Posted by Racer on September 24, 2004, at 13:26:47
In reply to Recent therapy --defenses at work (long), posted by gardenergirl on September 23, 2004, at 22:13:21
That's why it took weeks of telling my therapist that there was something I needed to bring up, but couldn't, that was draining me. And why I would say at the beginning of my check in voicemails that I needed to work up to telling this thing, and then back off and say that I couldn't.
And yes, that was *after* I had decided that I needed to say it to her.
(In my case, it was my eating. I also realized that I had been "dropping hints" about it, if you will, for a while. I know that I can't fix this myself, but actually getting 'help' is too scary still. For one thing, I feel as if I'll be destroyed if I gain weight -- which, after all, is part of the recovery process, by definition.)
Since we really haven't talked much about it yet, just the first time when I said it, and this last session when it was peripheral to what we were working on, so I haven't hit that feeling of relief. I'm actually fighting a lot of frustration, because I want it to somehow get better right away. Hurry up and get it over with, you know? Hurry up and get fixed RIGHTNOW.
Anyway, there is a great deal of pressure that builds up with something like this -- or like that thing in high school I told you about that I've never mentioned to another living soul -- whether we're aware of it or not. That's why it's so powerful: it's been internalized so deeply that we can't be fully aware of it. The same goes for the pressure. It's kinda like breathing. How much effort does it take to breathe? How many calories does it take to breathe for one hour? How can we know, really, since we're not aware of any effort when we do it? Same with the pressure of having that secret ready to come out.
It's only when it goes away that we're aware of it. Your pressure has just been vented, so you're aware of the relief. What's more, you've got an ally now to help you carry this burden, which is also a great relief.
For what it's worth, I know how hard it was for you to disclose this to him, and I am glad that you have found it to be so good for you. I'm conflicted about whether or not to say I'm proud of you for doing it -- although I am -- because of two things: one, I know that you can do anything you choose to do, and do it well; and two, it feels a little proprietary to be proud of you for doing well, since I had nothing to do with it. You decide if that helps or not, tell me, and then I'll get over my conflict in whichever way is best for you.
With the warmest affection for you, my dear, I'm smiling for you.
poster:Racer
thread:394355
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040918/msgs/394553.html