Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2004, at 18:44:31
In reply to MY RANT (LONG), posted by alexandra_k on September 13, 2004, at 21:34:43
The last two weeks have been the worst that I have experienced for a long time. Up and down and round and round, the full force of the emotional rollercoaster. Things feel so bad that I think I absolutely cannot tolerate it anymore, and then the next day I feel a lot better, and then positively manic and grandiose and then the descent begins - woosh!!! and we hit rock bottom. We cry from geniune sadness and then the rage begins, round and round and round we go; hour by hour, day by day.
The bottom has fallen out of our world
We never could internalise the good vibes
because there weren't any.
We need to be held emotionally
To have our emotional responses accepted
So we can learn to accept ourselves.
But instead of being accepted we are rejected
confirming our worst fears.And crisis services say 'why have you called us for - what do you expect us to do?'.
Are they purposely trying to hurt me?
(To provoke suicide?)
I respond to that by hanging up. Because what do I expect them to do? We need to accept that noone can help us(confirming our worst fears).I am a mess. I have been neglecting my students; cancelling their classes. Saying I am not going to conference after all (at the last minute). I am unable to work: I am addicted to babble.
my p-doc comes back on Monday.
He will be so busy after being off sick.
I know that nobody can save me from myself
But what really guts me is that nobody will even walk with me for a while.
We are so very afraid things will never get any better for us.Thankyou for listening to my ravings. (I don't really expect anyone to have made it this far). I like babble because people respond to what you write and you can take as long to get it out as you like. I grimace at some of my responses in hindsight - from a different point on the rollercoaster. I feel accepted by people here. It doesn't compare to the real world; but that is not to devalue it. It is everything I have got and something is infinitely better than nothing.
Thankyou all
I don't know what else to do
poster:alexandra_k
thread:390503
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040911/msgs/392111.html