Posted by partlycloudy on August 25, 2004, at 8:46:45
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
Dinah, so wonderful to read your self assessment. Here I go:
Where I've been - I started experiencing panic attacks while living overseas in the 1990's. My GP prescived a change of job, since the attacks were directly related to job stress. Also during that time, one betrayal after another occurred in my marriage, resulting in losing our home in the US, overstaying the work visa, and finally getting deported. About a year after returning to the states I began to become quite depressed. The feds and state tax people caught up when we filed our first joint tax return. My husband's paycheck was attached. He was fired and took 6 weeks to tell me after it had happened. We were sued by the mortgage company for default and he hid all the unopened letters in his sock drawer. We downsized about 5 times. In 1998 I started seeing a therapist on my own as my husband refused. We worked a great deal on my feelings of abandonment by my mother, my having to care for my alcoholic father after my mother left the marriage and I was still in high school. I came to terms with my mother's inability to be compassionate about her children, yet expending emotional energy by volunteering for hospice. I joined AA after I fell out of a bar onto my face an broke a tooth off, while being on antidepressants and antianxiety medication. I decided to end the marriage after 18 years since he didn't seem capable of every telling me the truth. At that point he decided to go for couples counselling. Too little too late.
Fast forward to 1999. Met my present husband, moved to the other end of the country. Job was secure, relationship solid and honest and supportive. I began crying uncontrollably and getting panic attacks with more frequency and severity. Couldn't sleep, started drinking. Changed AD's about 6 times. Would improve after 6 months, then taper, then crash, each time worse than the last. Got fired from 2 jobs successively. Tried a therapist again but had no rapport and I felt like a lost cause.
Found a p-doc, who dx'd me with bipolarII (mild), GAD, and panic attacks. She started treating me with the caveat that I begin therapy again. Starting see my current T last October.
Where I am - Depression anxiety, and panic attacks are much improved. T helped me learn meditation techniques, recommended many books to read, allowed me to explore the spiritual side of myself that had been ignored until now. Started doing EMDR and made a vast and quick improvement all around.
Where I'd like to be - a vacation last week to England made me realize that I'm only halfway there. Severe panic attacks, hysterical outbursts, inability to concentrate. I now put much of it down to having to change my medication timing due to the time zone adjustment.
I want to go to a grocery store and wander around our town without having to take a pill before I leave the house. I want to be able to be blue once in a while without feeling like I'm a waste of time and a lost cause. I want to be a full partner in my marriage instead of someone who requires care. I want to be able to travel abroad with enjoyment and curiosity.
Thanks for this opportunity to put it all down.
poster:partlycloudy
thread:381889
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/382058.html