Posted by tabitha on August 10, 2004, at 1:18:27
In reply to Re: Therapy increasing shame? » JenStar, posted by Racer on August 9, 2004, at 19:58:26
Thanks for your thoughts everyone. So I guess nobody is going to say, "Oh silly girl, therapy is supposed to feel that way-- you're right on track. You're probably on the verge of a huge breakthrough!" Just kidding. I know it doesn't sound right at all, what I'm describing.
I think I need to extricate myself from this mess. It really feels as though I don't have a therapist anymore. I was down this weekend and could have used a phone session. I realized there was no way I'd call for a phone session with things the way they are now. It would feel like calling the ex-boyfriend looking for something that isn't there anymore.
I considered making a criticism list. Just listing all the criticisms I've picked up from this experience-- things they said, things she said, things I assumed they thought, the whole mess. All the criticisms I've picked up during this. That's what I did the last time I was having a hard time letting go of a breakup. Somehow it helped to see it all listed. And I answered them all too.
I thought about my therapist. I know almost nothing about her. I've never seen her outside her office. I wondered what she was like in high school, and if I would even have liked her if I'd known her. I wondered if I'm smarter than her. Isn't it nuts to give her so much power? But it seems I had to do that, to make therapy work at all. You have to do that, right? You have to assume they can see things you can't see. Otherwise you might as well read a self-help book.
She's really making some mistakes with me lately. She's bludgeoning me with my issues. She's insisting I take responsibility for things I can't even see. If I could see them, I wouldn't be doing them. She did this before, in 2000, when she kicked me out of the other group. She kept telling me I wasn't taking responsibility for my projections. She said I needed to own them. Well how could I do that? If I could *see* my projections, then I could just let them go, and they wouldn't even be there.
It's like something a hack therapist would do, bluntly confronting someone with their alleged issues. Whether she's right or not, it just doesn't work. How can I take responsibility for something I can't see that I'm doing? It's crazy to expect that of me. It's terrible therapy technique. I thought she was better than this.
poster:tabitha
thread:375362
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040805/msgs/375867.html