Posted by Dinah on July 9, 2004, at 22:57:37
In reply to Re: Does your Therapist get mad at you? » Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on July 9, 2004, at 21:30:13
Wellll, let me try to be fair here. My therapist says that I think people are yelling more often than they actually yell. That if they are angry, I see them as yelling at me. Yet I know he has raised his voice with me on many occasions. But maybe not to the point of yelling. I remember once I was asking him not to yell and he yelled back that he wasn't yelling, and when he heard himself, the look on his face was priceless.
But I don't know. I could always pick up when he was angry with me whether or not he allowed it to show. Overall, I'd prefer that he allowed it to show than for me to know it, but doubt my perceptions because he refused to show it. I considered it a major breakthrough when he quit using the euphemism "frustrated" and started using "angry" or "mad".
I know he wasn't so honest with his feelings for the first several years of therapy. I think that some mutual trust and commitment needed to be built before he was that open about how he felt. And honestly, there are good and bad sides to that.
But he really and truly does believe that withstanding anger is good for a relationship, and that I don't do it very well. I think he really does think it's good for me to learn how to get angry and be on the receiving end of anger while still knowing that the relationship will continue, and will continue on a stronger footing. And he *never* gets angry without at the same time reassuring me in the context of the relationship as a whole. "I'm angry right now, Dinah, but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you or that I'm not committed to working this through. Everything is going to be ok on my end. Is everything going to be ok on your end?" That sort of thing.
I don't know that I like it, but I'm not sure I'd like it if he *never* showed anger either, especially if I could feel it in the air. I'm not even sure I'd like it if he never felt anger with me, even though I really don't like it when he's angry with me. But I'm not sure I can explain that...
poster:Dinah
thread:364437
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040703/msgs/364576.html