Posted by Racer on July 8, 2004, at 19:51:19
In reply to Re: So, what you're saying is..., posted by pegasus on July 8, 2004, at 11:40:36
Couldn't resist, Pegasus. And I am joking about that.
You know, the whole "falling over myself with apologies and explanations" thing is part and parcel of what I'm calling withdrawal, too, and it's not "me" so much as all that. Hmmmm....
Yesterday, in my session, I did manage to get closer to something emotional and even cried a little. I think the fear of breaking down entirely is what's causing the whole thing, and I think it's also why I'm so resistant to doing anything I think of as creative -- failing to meet my own expectations would feel so overwhelming and bring up all the "you fail at everything" self-talk that helps speed up the whole downward spiral. (The good news on that front is that I am able to read again, which hadn't been possible for me for almost a year now. Since I'm "A Reader" by nature and habit, that was like losing a limb.)
What's so funny is that we used a sort of backdoor to get into some of what's really going on with me, and it was totally unintentional. My brand new, still has that band box shine on her therapist asked me to tell her a little about myself: what I like to do, career, etc. Her supervisor had brought up my knitting to her, so she asked about that first. Then I told her a bit about my checkered career -- one thing leads to another and somehow I go from Dior suits in law firms to non-profit training in jeans to teaching horseback riding -- which also brought up my last "real" job as a website designer -- which led to the story of what happened there as an illustration of the same pattern that I'm watching unfold with this agency. Then we talked about what I really want from this agency now: I don't even care about getting proper medications anymore -- I just want to find a way to break this pattern, and get out the other end without feeling as if I've had to chew off a limb to do it. Every contact I have with them feels like another layer of my Self has been stripped off, and I want to find a way to get out of there without feeling as though I've helped them do it. In fact, I want to feel as if I have truly protected myself.
That was the first time I actually found those words about it, and finally being able to say it in words to myself has been enough to get me started thinking about how I'm going to handle my new writing assignment.
Now, back to the grindstone -- I was quite productive today, although I'm not sure it was really all that useful except in getting our condo a bit neater. Did a bunch of "neatening" projects while waiting for The Cable Guys to come -- an hour late, of course, so a five hour wait without being able to do much -- and missed my usual lunchtime. Now to go make that liverwurst sandwhich.
It means a lot to me to know you do care, Pegasus. And I hope that you're in the Forgiving Racer camp, so that you really weren't bothered by the 'yes-but' post, rather than just holding back. You is the woman!
poster:Racer
thread:363216
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040703/msgs/364191.html