Posted by tabitha on July 7, 2004, at 19:36:27
So I totally bottomed out this week, all the way to hopeless/verging on suicidal, all seemingly triggered by the group and conflicts with my therapist. I went to heroic effort to find a way to reframe it all so I could continue. Then I went to the group session, and ended up pushing the mean woman's buttons so much she blasted me with anger again. I don't think I was trying to push her buttons, but I had decided OK, if you're going to speak freely without worrying about my feelings, then I need to do the same or else I'll end up feeling like a dumping ground. Plus we're told that all this wonderful honesty is going to bring us closer, and although I doubt it, I'm willing to play along. Maybe the outcome will be different than I expect.
To withstand the anger onslaught, I repeat to self the protective thought, I'm not responsible for her feelings, they're just her feelings, it's all her stuff. I have to admit, it felt kinda good to see her getting all upset instead of me.
Yet I didn't sleep all night due to being worked up about it, finally took an OTC sleep pill, then today feel hungover and cr*ppy from the pill, plus still obsessing and angry over the session.
It's really hard for me to believe this is good for me, or for anyone. I'm having these thoughts that seem pretty rational to me:
- if this is what we're supposed to do, I don't want to do it. This isn't making me feel closer to anyone.
- do I really need 5 amateur therapists pointing out my issues to me?
- what's the point of staying in a relationship that doesn't feel good
- I've given it 6 months and it still isn't working. Isn't it time to stop?
- maybe this type of group would work for some people, but it doesn't seem to be working for me.
- I'm doing the same thing here I've done in the past-- going to heroic effort to avoid losing the relationship. Giving up too much of myself.
- therapy is just a belief system, like any other. It isn't truth. If this flavor of therapy doesn't fit me, it doesn't mean I've failed.So does this sound twisted or distorted? I can't see that. Yet I know I'll go into my individual session, and she'll try to convince me of something totally different, and I'll feel like it's a choice between giving up my own perception, or failing at therapy and losing my main support in life. What an awful choice.
poster:tabitha
thread:363828
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040703/msgs/363828.html