Posted by cricket on June 28, 2004, at 11:18:31
Hi everyone,
This is my first post here, although I have been reading others for a while.
I have been in therapy for almost 2 years now (1x per week)and still have issues of trust with my therapist. I went into therapy because I felt very disconnected from the world, no friends, etc.
I had big time abuse in my childhood and I know that my therapist thinks that a lot (perhaps all?) of my issues stem from that. From reading your posts it seems that many of you are dealing with the same situation. Have you ever doubted it though? Have you ever maybe just thought you were plain crazy and as nice as it is to have an excuse for it, it's just not true.
He wants me to read a book now ("Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman - have any of you ever heard of it?). I'm not supposed to read it on my own but bring it in so we can look at it together.
Then there's all the feelings I have of wanting to just run away from therapy. I've gone through 2 years of misery with this. I don't doubt his competence, and I am sure that he wants to do his job and help me, but most of the time (particularly when he says things like "in cases of trauma like yours") I just feel like a big fat lab rat. A little adjustment here, a bit of pressure there, and viola the lab rat is cured. This makes me want to jeopardize the whole process and be the one lab rat that defies all the theories and then I stop going to therapy or I go and I refuse to speak.
I know this sounds like complete craziness and I'm not sure why I continue to spend all my money on therapy and jeopardize my financial stability but I know I need help.
I've heard so much on this site about dissociation (something I suffer from greatly) and transference (possibly something I suffer from considering my very up and down feelings about therapy and my therapist) but I was wondering if anyone ever had these extreme doubts like I do.
Also, after almost 2 years I still do not know my diagnosis, besides the trauma - is that a diagnosis? I guess I should just ask but for some reason I am terrified to do that.
Any thoughts?
Thanks so much.
poster:cricket
thread:361334
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040624/msgs/361334.html