Posted by antigua on June 24, 2004, at 0:03:33
This will be two positive weeks in a row. Kind of scary, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I think I'll be ready for it. If I'm not, someone remind me to go back and read these positive missives so I can remember again when I am in pain.
Therapy was good again this week. In EMDR (listening fires?)therapy, I got closer to the core, terrible fear that I haven't been able to face yet. But I know what it represents now, that's what I learned today: it's the fear of the first time, of the young, innocent girl who was confused, scared and terrified because she couldn't understand what was happening. The feelings were very powerful and I tried to stay w/them, but I couldn't reach it. But it was o.k., each time I get closer I get a better understanding of what it is and in some ways it becomes less frightening. I have come to accept that I may never know "it" exactly, but that will be o.k. now too. I don't need to deny it anymore, and I don't need to justify what I'm doing.
This week I also discovered another little girl inside of me. I told you that I'd already found the wounded one and put her in a playroom to play so I could protect her; and the angry girl, who I put securely behind bars so she couldn't escape and act up. But in the corner of my consciousness I discovered a third little girl. I checked to see if one of the other two had escaped, but they were accounted for.
So who is she? I know she is the innocent me, and she's younger than the other two. She doesn't talk either. My T told me today that she thinks she is my "self", which is so right. She is me before all of the abuse. She hasn't ever grown beyond 3,4 or 5, but somehow or other I know she is the essence of me. And I don't hate her, and I don't blame her. She is totally innocent. She is me before I split off into those two little girls, and she was lost (I thought forever) to me until today. I didn't even know she was there. How sad is that? But it's o.k. now, I've found her.
I just want to say that as children, we do such powerful things to protect ourselves, to keep us safe in the only childlike ways available to us at the time. And as hard as it may be to deal w/these things as adults, they helped to keep us alive. I can't deny that it hurts to know that I've been so disconnected from my self almost my entire life. If I hadn't given myself the chance to reach today, I wouldn't have ever found me.
I know now that my desperate depression in the past year, in part, has been because I have been pulling apart my defenses (denial, disassociation, numbing)and I was devastated because I felt there was no hope w/o my defenses, but today I discovered my "self." So, for me, tonight, there is hope and I'm very grateful.
So, everyone, thanks so much for your encouragement when I've been so low. Racer, hang in there, because you were right.
Please try to keep hope in your hearts,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:359652
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/359652.html