Posted by fallsfall on June 14, 2004, at 9:14:54
In reply to Tell me the three or four words » fallsfall, posted by daisym on June 14, 2004, at 0:26:01
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> I have read your post 4 times today. It makes so much sense. You give me too much credit for strength though. I think I was operating on primal instinct.*** yes - you were operating on instinct, and your instinct makes you strong.
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> I keep going back to your last paragraph though. How do you get the words out in such a way that you don't sound dramatic? That people don't think you are "just" having a bad day. Remember, practically no one in my life can see the suffering. I tried to talk to my hubby today about how far down I am. I think he got it because he asked, "You aren't going to kill yourself, are you?" But even as he asked the question, I could hear a "gee, aren't you being just a little ridiculous" quality to his voice. He didn't ask the question in any sort of a serious concerned way. He was letting me know what I sounded like. (His solution, btw, was that I should find a new job.)
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> It was really hard for me to have that conversation with him, as limited as it was. I can't imagine saying to him, or anyone, I'm seriously suicidal. Yes, it is pride. Its one of the few strong things left. I guess this goes to going to the hospital as well. It is beyond the pale for me that I even have to think about all this.***[Pre-script: This is just a suggestion on how you could approach this. I base this suggestion on my experience as someone who has both said the 3 or 4 words and someone who has heard them. Your mileage may vary.]
*** It took a lot of courage to talk to your husband. And he did, in a sense, understand what you were saying - that's good. His illness has shown him what despair and hopelessness feels like, so at least he should be able to relate on some level. I think that you need to tell him that you are afraid that you might not be able to keep yourself from wanting to kill yourself. Tell him that you are afraid that you may get to a point where you need him to get you to a safe place.
At this point, you need to have a couple of real, live people who know that you are in crisis right now. You don't need to give them the details. All they need to know is that you have a wonderful therapist, but that you need to be sure that you have an emergency plan in place in case you end up in an emergency situation. Tell them that you (the "planner" that you are) will feel better if you have a emergency plan, and if the people who you might need are aware of your emergency plan.
If it is at all possible, your husband should be one of these people. You should choose one person at work for this role. And didn't you say that you have started to talk just a little bit to a friend or two? Consider adding a friend or two who knows that you are having a hard time.
So you should have 3 or 4 real people on your list. (Of course, your therapist would be the first one you call. You can always call me, or sign on to babble, but if you DO end up in an emergency, you will need a real, live person who can physically be WITH you to help you.)
What do you tell these people? You tell them that you are trying to come to terms with abuse from your childhood (can you tell them that? - nothing more than that, not what kind of abuse, not who or when or what or how much. If they ask for details tell them that you have a wonderful therapist, and that you really can't talk about it with anyone else, but you appreciate their concern). That this work is getting a bit scary for you and that you need to know that there are people you can call who will know how to help you. That they are among the group of people who you trust most in the world, and that - if they are willing - that you would feel so much better if you knew that you could call them if you get into an emergency. You can tell them that knowing that you HAVE an emergency plan will help reduce the chances that you will have an emergency.
So, at this point, they are concerned because Daisy always has it all together and Daisy is the one who THEY would go to in an emergency. And they want to know more so they can figure out how to help you. And they are honored to be on your list of people who you trust. They will probably want to be able to DO something to help you - I tell people that hugs really help - but depending on how you feel about hugs that might not work for you. You can tell them that knowing that they are *there* is helpful - that an email every so often would let you know that they are available to you. Tell them that you really don't expect (or want) to ever really need them like this, but that you would feel better knowing that they were there. Tell them that by agreeing to be on your list of people to call that they ARE doing what you really need the most.
Tell them that there are 3 or 4 or however many there are on your list of people to call (this doesn't count your therapist or babble) so that they know that if you can't reach them for some reason that you DO have other people to call - that they don't have to follow you around making sure you are all right all the time. So let them know that there are others on your list, but it is a short list.
Let them know that you WILL call them if you need to. But also tell them that you really want to be able to continue your life as normally as possible, so if they can pretend in real life that you've never had this conversation with them it would be helpful to you. Ask them to just tell you if they are going out of town for a week so you will know if you should not expect to be able to reach them. (In reality, each person will know that they are at the top of the list at particular times - your husband in the evenings when you are home, your work friend during work hours, etc. What you are hoping for is that they will keep their cell phones with them, and check regularly for messages, that if they are going to not be where you would expect them to be that they would let you know (like if your work friend is going to take the afternoon off for some reason). Each person doesn't have to be THERE all the time, but it is helpful for you to know who is likely to be available at a particular time so that you know who, on your short list, to call first. It is important to make sure that they know that it is YOUR responsibility to let them know when you are having an emergency - that they don't need to decide FOR you if it is an emergency. This keeps you in control, and makes it so that they don't feel like they have to keep checking up on you all the time. By the same token, though, when they see you and ask "How are you?" you DO have to give them some semblance of a true answer - the same way that you do for me. "I'm OK" means they don't need to worry. "Hanging in" means that things are rough, but that you are handling it. "I'm here..." means that they should let you know where they are, and maybe ask you again in a couple of hours. "Not so good" means that they should ask you if you want their help. "Remember when I told you I might need you sometime to help me?" or "I need your help now" means that you are asking them to implement the emergency plan.)
So what do you want them to DO if you actually are having an emergency? You want them to physically stay with you, or at least be in easy phone contact (but since you will only be calling them if you are seriously suicidal, you really should try to get someone to "watch" you). They can make sure that you have contacted your therapist, or keep you company while you try to get hold of him. If your therapist recommends, or if YOU decide they should take you to the hospital. You should figure out in advance what hospital you would prefer to go to. I have contacted my therapist in these cases, and she talked to the Psych hospital and I was able to go directly there. Usually, Psych hospitals would prefer that you don't just show up on their doorstep - so they will recommend that you go to the nearest emergency room and be evaluated there. The emergency room then makes arrangements with the Psych hospital. It can take HOURS to get through the emergency room process - they will do a brief medical exam, and then call someone to do a psych evaluation (at least this is how it works where I live). It can take that person as many as 4 hours to get to you (they might be evaluating someone else at a different emergency room). So if your friend can keep you company in the emergency room this is a wonderful gift. Bring something to do, if you can (a deck of cards can keep your hands busy without really requiring you to think very much, bring your favorite comfort toy, put a Silly Putty egg in your pocketbook, word search books - where you find words in a grid of "random" letters - can give you the illusion of finding order in chaos [or they can frustrate you completely]). Hopefully your friend can either listen if you want to talk, or can fill up the time with trivial amusing chatter. The other reason to have your friend stay with you in the emergency room is that if you show up there and say that you are suicidal the hospital MUST make sure that someone is watching you all the time. The hospital I usually go to puts psych patients in the room across the hall from the security office and requires that we leave the door open. If, however, you have a friend who will agree to stay with you and make sure that you stay safe, they let us close the door. I have also seen hospitals "post" someone in a chair outside of the room. It is MUCH better to have a friend with you. Your friend can also communicate your needs (hunger, headache, etc.) to the nurses so that you don't have to communicate as much.
But you don't have to tell them all of this. Just tell them that you should try to get in touch with your therapist. That it would be helpful if they could stay with you to keep you company. Tell them that you might need them to drive you to XYZ hospital, and if they could stay with you there that it would be helpful, but that if they can't stay that once they get you to the hospital that they have done what you need them to do. That is all you need to tell them.
These people do not need to decide what you need to do - that is between you and your therapist (or if you can't reach him and are really distressed, between you and the hospital). *IF* you ask them for help they need to do two things: 1. "watch you", but you can call it "keep you company" and 2. help you get physically where you need to go. Driving yourself in these situations is not usually a good idea.
Hopefully, all you will need these people for is to help keep you safe while you try to contact your therapist. Your therapist, Babble (either posts or in Open), or I can help you decide if you need to go to the hospital - then, if needed, one of your emergency people can get you there safely.
(((((...a droopy daisy)))))...
Falls.
poster:fallsfall
thread:356168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/356530.html