Posted by fallsfall on June 12, 2004, at 8:39:36
In reply to Re: Any thoughts » fallsfall, posted by rs on June 12, 2004, at 6:33:55
I was much more territorial about my first therapist than I am about my current one. I was often jealous that she was spending time with other people and giving them the attention that I wanted so badly. My current therapist sees me 3 times a week, and has never been annoyed if I called between sessions. Perhaps I feel that he is giving me what I need, so it is OK for him to give other people what they need, too. I think that I felt that my first therapist was always frustrating my needs - that she made me constantly want more because she wasn't giving me enough.
My understanding of therapists seeing people who know each other is that a therapist should be free to make decisions that are always and only in your best interest. If there are two people who interact socially who see the same therapist, then if there is a conflict between the two people the therapist can't act in both people's best interest at the same time. I would think that that situation would also possibly leave the therapist with an unbiased view of a patient (because the therapist has heard descriptions of the patient from someone else).
A third possibility is that you are afraid that he will reveal your private information to her. I can understand why this would be scary - but he really has shown in the past that he is a good therapist, and good therapists (I believe) have internalized the understanding that what is said in session must always be held in confidence. There have been twice when my therapist has mentioned other patients (presumably to show that my issues are not unusual). Both times it has seemed to me like he had just talked to them on the phone and hadn't quite switched over to my concerns. But he never said anything specific (one woman's daughter didn't want to come for Thanksgiving) that would make me think that he would reveal anything about me to his other patients. I can see how *knowing* another patient would make it more difficult, whenever he mentioned "a" patient, I would wonder if it was her - and I would assume that she would wonder the same thing.
It sounds like your issue is more related to the first or third, rather than the second. That you are jealous or feeling exposed, rather than afraid that he won't be impartial. This sounds completely reasonable to me. I would think that it could be a good goal to get to a point where sharing your therapist is not painful. I certainly don't think you are alone!
I'm so glad that you have found someone who can let you experience the feeling of not being given up on. It is such a powerful gift - they give us the chance to truly be who we are, without having to worry that we will drive them away. There is no other way that I can see that would allow me to be as open and honest - and it is STILL hard to be open and honest, even when I know that he won't leave me.
The Tshirt idea is a bit surprising. No, I can't imagine you actually wearing it. But *owning* it might not be such a bad thing. Get it oversized and wear it for pajamas. A friend said that she had a dream of me recently - I was comforting her and reassuring her that the abuse would never happen again. Perhaps this is what he is hoping that you will be able to see - that it DID happen, and it was HORRIBLE that it did happen, but that it WON'T happen again (both because they are dead, and because you are older and stronger and more aware of your rights as a person). Perhaps he wants you to be able to spend more time living your life from now on, and less time protecting yourself. Your life IS different now. The people you see every day ARE different. Have you chosen people to be in your life who are trustworthy, and who will not abuse you? If not, then change your social circle!!! If you have, though - and it has sounded to me like your current environment is not dangerous (I could, of course be wrong, but that's how it has sounded to me) - then you can spend more time living the rest of your life, and less time being shackled by your past. It is so easy to write that, but so hard to live it. I know that you are working very hard towards that goal. You have great courage.
You do seem to have more trust now, and you sound a bit less scared than when I first met you. I hope that you *are* less scared. You have done important work.
poster:fallsfall
thread:354877
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/356021.html