Posted by Pandabear on June 6, 2004, at 20:41:00
Since I have bipolar 2 disorder...is it normal to feel like you are isolating yourself from others? I have been down for over a week (depressed) and all weekend I have been not wanting to talk or be around anyone. My parents got extremely upset with me this evening because I wouldnt come over for dinner... (I honestly forgot about it ..and had already eaten) but, I also didnt want to be around them. I told my dad that I had forgoten about dinner and that I was just going to stay at home for the night. He replies by asking me if I realize that what I say to people hurts a lot at times...I told him Im sorry if he is hurt but I honestly forgot and I didnt want to leave my house..he was very upset. Honestly though I dont want to be around anyone right now. I want to be by myself. Its funny to me that my dad says he understands my illness and yet when I get this depressed...he gets angry at me. It really irritates me.
I have thought about myself a lot this weekend and about what im really feeling inside and I realized that I have been thinking a lot lately of things to do to "hurt" me. Im not suicidal at all, but when I get really frustrated and overwhelmed...I have found myself trying to think of ways to make it better...ie trying to throw up, wanting to slip down the stairs, making myself stay up all night just so I can not feel good the next day...I want so badly to be left alone and to not have to go to work...My mood is very unstable right now and my mom is making me mad again, she started yelling at me yesterday and My dad is about to start yelling at me and Im at a point where even though my yelling has been under control, im so upset and frustrated at everything right now that there is no doubt in my mind that i would yell back. I want to get to a point where my therapist realizes that I need serious help because my family just doesnt understand me right now and it is so hard not to have support. I dont want to be hospitalzied...but I need a break from the world, I need time to focus on getting better.. I spent practically all day yesterday in bed and I do this because I dont want my family and friends to be around me when im in a mood or depressed...I dont think it is fair for them to have to put up with me..yet, they think im being rude by staying in bed. I know I should get out and do things but i just dont feel like it. It is going to take a lot to get out and go to work tomorrow morning.
My dad still has no idea that I have been trying to make myself sick and I think im going to talk to my friend at work tomorrow and let her in on what is going on...its not serious..im not actually throwing up ..it has to do with my emotions and feelings and wanting things to be better...my dad said the wrong thing to me yesterday asking me if I was eating healthy foods and I said why does it look like im wasting away..and he said ..no the opposite...:(
This right here makes me want to stop eating...yet at the same time, it also makes me want to eat a lot...so I dont know what to do. I told him I have lost 8 pounds..and he replied with an "oh". It really irritated me...
ANYWAY...I just dont know what to do with myself, I like isolating myself bc it saves my friends and family from seeing something that they dont want to see but, I know it at the same time upsets them but i just dont feel like being around anyone. I cant win. I just need some help. I dont know what my therapist is going to say when I talk to her but im really interested to find out...I need to talk with someone that understands me....
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers...I would appreciate it....thanks.
Pandabear
poster:Pandabear
thread:354373
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/354373.html