Posted by KindGirl on May 30, 2004, at 14:20:38
In reply to Re: Kind Girl, How are you doing?, posted by gardenergirl on May 30, 2004, at 11:30:45
Thanks GG,
My t is back from vacation. Something happened inside of me while she was gone and I found myself repulsed by that bear. I buried him under some papers in my car. I am obviously very immature in major ways inside, even though I am a successful business woman, wife and mother. It baffles my mind how I can function and yet be so damaged inside! And nobody knows the depth of it. Not even my t.I wrote my t. two very personal letters while she was gone, very revealing of my feelings about her, how much I miss her when she is gone, how I don't know how I could live without her...things I never would or could say before. She always is telling me that I need to depend on her and I am pseudo independent and my work in therapy is to lean on her and to need her.
One thing I wrote in the letter was about her holding me and how everyone here at Babble seemed to react negatively to it. Was it wrong that she is holding me? I asked. She brought that up in the session and said that there are probably very very few therapists who would do that and that she prayed about it and thought a lot about it when I asked. She said she was trying not to let her fears get in the way and she also reminded me that the person who molested me was touching me for his benefit and for his use. She said her touch is not that at all and that it is for me because I asked and for me because I need it. Because of a lot of stuff that happened to me as a baby...major neglect....I know deep inside I need it desperately. :(
She said there are clients she sees that won't shake hands or hug and she respects their boundaries with that. She said that she doesn't hold that many clients. Very few.
I don't know what it was about all of that dialogue that set me off, but it did. I guess I wanted her to say she holds me because she loves me and she wants to hold me. It sounded like she was doing it out of duty now...and I know that is not what is probably true, but that is how it landed on me.
And, a little after that discussion, she asked, "Would you like me to come over and sit by you?" (i.e. "hold you?"), and I know she is asking because I told her a few times that I will always want her to hold me but I am not always courageous enough to ask and I asked her to initiate it for me. Thankfully, she does every session. I hemmed and hawed around it...and then a few sentences later she asked again. She said I am torn inside because I want it and I don't want it. I know I need it, but I don't like needing it, and she is right.
So, that is what set me off on a major tailspin Thurs and Friday. I did get enough courage to call and leave her a message on her machine. I was not doing well at all last night and I called her in the afternoon. She called this morning and left me a message. I am just really screwed up inside and it is a huge mess in me. Most of the time I can manage it, but I didn't do that well this week.
You are extremely sweet and generous to reach out to me. God must have sent your post to me because I was feeling really lonely and scared. You helped me get through the past 2 days.
((((((((gg))))))
Thanks again. KG
poster:KindGirl
thread:347028
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040522/msgs/352168.html