Posted by All Done on May 26, 2004, at 0:51:16
I don’t know why I’ve been hesitating to post about this, but I have. It’s just been so hard to even think about much less write about, I guess. So, here it goes.
On Saturday, my session with my T started out like this:
T: I want to let you know I’ll be absent next Saturday over the holiday weekend.
AD: No problem. I was going to ask if you would be taking the day off.
AD thinking: (Crap. Two out of four sessions cancelled. :()
(Silent pause)
T: There’s something else I want to let you know.
AD: (Crap. Dread sets in rather quickly. I feel like some sort of termination speech is coming.)
T: I’m leaving this clinic in early August and will be at my private practice only.
(This means insurance won’t cover my visits.)
(Silent pause)
(I start crying.)
AD: Crap.
T: Can you tell me more about that – “crap”?
(I may have rolled my eyes at this point. Oops. I wonder if I should have congratulated him. I didn’t :()
It was a very difficult session. At first I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. So, he tried to direct the discussion elsewhere, but I kept crying even when we were talking about things I shouldn't cry about. I couldn't focus on anything. He was talking more than usual because I clammed up. I asked him why should I discuss anything with him if I won’t be able to continue to see him?
He said he works out payment arrangements with other clients, but I immediately blew that off by telling him “my husband and I make enough money. We should be able to afford it.” (I feel like I don’t want him to have to make any concessions for me. We do make a decent living, but we have a ton of credit card bills – our own fault, not my T’s, you know?) But I did ask him (jokingly) if he would tell my husband. Later, he said we could actually discuss the option of having him talk to my hubby.
Unfortunately, my husband, while he *says* he is trying to work it into our budget, is quite resistant to the idea of me paying the full rate when I could “just see another T that is covered by insurance.” HA! He understands I need therapy, but he really doesn’t understand that I need it with *my* T. I even explained that perhaps I can work out a sliding scale fee with my T, but he doesn’t want me to pay more than the $25 copay I have been paying.
I’m feeling like I’m being a burden on my husband. He’s getting frustrated the minute I even bring the subject up so I feel like I can’t even be sad about this around him. But I’m switching between wanting to cry and wanting to puke.
I’ve been in therapy for almost one year and I still don’t understand this. Why can’t I just switch to a different T? It wouldn’t kill me. I feel like it would, though.
This stinks.
A little while ago, I was afraid my insurance might not cover my visits. It turned out okay. I feel bad for making you guys go through all of my same emotions again. Sorry if I’m repetitive. And I feel like this post is all disorganized. Kind of like my thoughts, I guess.
Thanks for listening. I guess I’m just hoping you can serve up the ice cream for me.
All Done
poster:All Done
thread:350659
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040522/msgs/350659.html