Posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 2:27:27
Life isn't fair. I've said that to my son a million times the past few weeks. He is pretty upset about how sick his dad has been. Me too! He went back to see his Therapist last week, "just to check in." They agreed he would come a few more times over the next couple of months, just to tune up his self-care skills. It is complicated but in the process of restarting his therapy, somehow I've disrupted my own. I "lost" my Therapist last Thursday, I couldn't hear him in my head or feel him with me.
I've been really depressed and sad again. I kept thinking it was too much work, too much pressure and stress and I was tired. Plus we talked about some very hard things on Thursday, which I didn't expect. I wrote some long, honest emails over the weekend. I took those with me on Monday, into our session. I told him it was the most efficient way to catch him up with my feelings. "Efficient", yup that's me.
We went 90 mph yesterday and still didn't have enough time. I couldn't feel better, I couldn't figure out why I felt *so* bad. And why I couldn't internalize my Therapist again. Neither could he, but he said he could see that I was in a place of tremendous conflicting feelings and it would probably just take us awhile to sort it all out.
He called me last night around 9, but I missed the call. I got his message and sobbed about missing his call. It was a good release though and I felt sort of better. He called me this morning and asked me to come back because he was worried about how flat I sounded.
So I went back in today and basically pleaded with him to tell me what to do *now*. I need to be productive, I have a huge event coming up Monday. I *can't* stay this sad and unfocused. So, we did three really great things.
First we went back to "where he went" -- meaning we tried to figure out what about Thursday changed something. We walked carefully and slowly through the conversation which was about power and dependency...we were talking about when I was a kid and how this dynamic had shattering results for me. Not only the sa, but the abandonment that took place. He asked me, "do you think you are afraid I will hurt you (emotionally) because you have allowed yourself to be open in such a way that I have the power to do it?" So we talked again about this primal need for connection. He told me he was glad I felt connected, he wanted me to and he said he wouldn't hurt me, intentionally for sure but he wanted me to know he was being careful to not push too hard and unintentionally hurt me. He thought maybe he pushed too hard on Thursday. I think it was more about the pain of the subject matter, not him pushing. Who knew it was a sensitive spot? He also said that he probably needed to say, again, that he wasn't leaving me like others have done. That no matter what I said, even if I wasn't perfect, he wasn't going to reject me. That because we talked about being abandoned, even if I wasn't conscious of it, I might be keeping him out due to this old fear. I told him I didn't want "forever" therapy but right now I wanted all day and all night therapy. He smiled and said he was glad to hear me say that and it was OK to want that. Because wanting that meant I didn't want to be alone in it anymore. And that was a huge piece of last Thursday -- how alone I felt as a kid because of all the stuff I had to hide. I said I can't imagine what it would be like having to feel all this without him, and he said, "aren't you glad that is one thing we don't have to figure out, because I'm right here. You aren't without me." It took awhile but I started to believe him again.
Second thing we did was go through all the things that usually help me get out of the big black depression hole. In reviewing "what works" we discovered that I haven't been journaling, we haven't been writing "together" and I haven't been posting as much. So my assignment is to write and write and write. He thinks it is a way for me to discharge so much of this. And he said he would think of homework assignments again, AFTER next week, because he knows I'm swamped.
3) We made appointments tomorrow and Thursday to work specifically on my fears around the event next week. I'm going away for three days with my staff, which is fun but a ton of work. I have to be "on" for three days. No places to hide and no Therapist. (Yes, I did try to bribe him into coming and staying stashed in one of the cabins at the ranch!) We are going to walk through the agenda item by item, look for triggers, role play possible challenges and figure out a plan for keeping me (somewhat) put together. He wants me to incorporate "what would my Therapist tell me here" into the possible hard parts and he wants me to stop and "feel him holding me safe" all three days as part of my private agenda, which we are creating. He even offered to babysit the younger me next week, he said she could stay in his office until I got back, if that is what I needed.
So tonight I feel better. I'm not sure I hear him yet in my head, but I have faith I will soon. I'm open to suggestions for internalizing your Therapist or how you get through some of the tough spots in therapy.
I keep thinking this should be getting easier somehow. *sigh*
poster:DaisyM
thread:343517
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/343517.html