Posted by KindGirl on April 13, 2004, at 1:27:42
Has anyone here suffered from abuse as an infant or a very young child? Apparently I have. I say apparently because obviously I didn't know any other way of being in the world, I just learned at a very very young at to be very very good and to never cry and never fuss and never ask for anything. I thought that was good, but my t is telling me that the things I tell her about my earliest memories (sitting in bed, wide awake as an infant/toddler for hours on end...wondering if my mom was ever going to come, and she wasn't, or if she did she was pissed off and jerked me around.) She admitted several times to leaving me with the neighbor girl who was 12 years old since I was about a month old because I bonded better with the neighbor girl. One of the last emails she sent me (reaming me about what a horrid, wretched person I am) she actually put in writing how she never knew how to mother me, how I was such a good baby and did so much better with the neighbor girl and how she never held me....(that was so good to have in writing to show my t, and I guess that is a plus about that letter).
Anyway, I am rambling here. My t. says I was dissociated as an infant when I tell her the memories I have and the reports my relatives tell me about how I was (they thought I was retarded because I just sat in one place and never cried or moved). I found a picture of me at around 6 months of age (the only picture I have of me as a child) and I showed it to my t. and she said I looked scared. I never saw that before. I look at my children's infant pictures and they are giggling or goofing off...never staring out into space like I was.
The reason I write to all of you here is for help. I have been in t. now 2 years, this is my first t. encounter, and all sorts of things are flying around now and erupting out of me and I am confused and need your wisdom and/or thoughts.
I miss my t. terribly when I am not with her. She is the t. who holds me every week if you remember me posting earlier. She encourages me to listen to that little part of me, and it was that little part of me who told her I wanted to be held all the time. She has no problem with that. She says I need to stay with what is real and what is really going on inside.
Since I never had any nurture or kindness from any female in my life, I don't know how to handle all of this. It feels so wonderful to the deepest part of my heart, like a Hershey's chocolate melting in my mouth, but the times between sessions are excruciating. Am I feeling the feelings I should have felt as a very young child who is crying for her mommy? That is what it feels like. I cry for her, my t, and I want her to come pick me up. The problem is she is an hour away and I see her once a week and I really have no contact in between sessions.
Plus, if I were to tell her how much I miss her and how I cry for her when I am not with her I immediately feel weird and psycho and like a freak who will scare her away. She has said before I won't scare her away with whatever I say, but I really feel nuts on this one.
Any thoughts? Thanks for listening...
poster:KindGirl
thread:335814
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040409/msgs/335814.html