Posted by Racer on March 28, 2004, at 7:28:57
No, there's no question I need therapy. I do, and I know it. The problem is with this therapist -- who was assigned to me, and who is a nightmare for me. I don't mean a nightmare as in "it's so hard, I feel wrung out after every session" because that can be a sign that you're working through hard issues and getting better. I mean walking out of there more convinced than ever that I have to suppress everything I feel, and stop wanting anything at all. I'm also feeling invisible and inaudible, and starting to regress in terms of things I'd actually conquered pretty effectively in therapy in the past. Not especially helpful.
I'm on a waiting list for another therapist, but I"m afraid that, since I have 'a therapist', I'm in danger of being bumped back on that waiting list if someone else comes along. I'm also afraid of what this is doing to me psychologically. Not only am I really distressed by therapy, but I'm afraid to go to my pdoc, too. She'll say little things about meds and about him, and I get this frisson of fear telling me to run away, because she's sabotaging me with him, too. I can't stand it, and found myself last night thinking that suicide would be a good choice to avoid seeing him again. That can't be good, right?
My two choices from there are hoping that this damned agency lights a fire on assigning me a new therapist, or waiting for our marriage counselor to figure out which of her interns would be the best bet -- complicated by the fact that she won't assign me to anyone until I'm medicated, and that's a problem if I can't get to the pdoc.
This therapist keeps saying that she's here to listen to me, so that I have someone to talk to, and all the rest of those things. Oh, they don't want to leave me high and dry through this, and besides, it's supposed to be therapeutic for me to learn to work with anyone they assign to me -- but I think this is worse than nothing right now. I'm feeling distinctly invalidated, and it gets worse and worse and worse.
Any comments, words of wisdom or advice, noodle-lashings? Thanks!
poster:Racer
thread:329376
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040327/msgs/329376.html