Posted by Pandabear on February 5, 2004, at 19:23:42
Last night, I had this conversation with my dad about my dependency on my therapist..and he started to tell me that I shouldnt be calling my therapist and that it wasnt fair to her that I called her like I did...and that she has other people she needs to be focusing on. I then told him that she had said she didnt mind at all that i called.. He tried to change the subject several times and I wouldnt let him but he then started telling me exactly how he felt about me..he told me that i dont take pride in myself and that i dont dress right for work and that maybe if i did more people would be interested in getting to know me...you know, he is right but i told him ..how can I dress and look like everyone wants me to when i cannot even stand to look at myself in the mirror...I cannot stand myself or the way I look...if i cannot please myself..it is really hard for me to please everyone else He told me he cant help me and that i have to help myself but, my way of helping myself is by calling my therapist..and yet i dont want to bother her.....I spent the next hour after i hung up with him crying on the floor and i woke up this morning with the worst headache. I work for my dad and when he got to work, he didnt speak to me. All he said was I hope you will be ok and I responded.."me to" and that was it. He left town for a week and didnt even say goodbye to me...I was so upset...my therapist told me that she wants me to consider me doing family therapy with her involving my mom bc it would help tremendously but i am too afraid of it and my mom wont consider it and that stinks because my therapist said that she is representing herself as an object to me..something that I am missing in my life and that once i find what im missing..i will be less dependent of her. BUT, if I cant patch things up with my mom...OBVIOUSLY im going to be missing something (my moms relationship with me) and so basically im stuck...right? Im not progressing in therapy. I was wanting to cancel all of my appts ..i mentioned that in a different post, but I only canceled two of them...i just wanted to prove to myself that I can go without talking to her...but, in my mind i know that i need to be going..i just HATE being dependent. I figured if i stopped my appts..i would have time to cool off and then try again...but i dont know. I called her office today to talk to the receptionist about it and she said she was going to leave the appts on the book and i could just tell her wether or not i was going to keep in when she calls me to confirm.She reminded me that its ok for me to call them and that that was what they were there for... So, later after work I called to try and speak to my therapist and she didnt return my call..but she will call me tomorrow which kind of stinks because it is getting increasingly difficult for me to receive calls at work (everyone knows im in therapy and that she calls me and it is so embarressing...plus when i have to leave and talk to her...my boss gets irritated) Im just so upset and depressed about everything. I want to just shut the world out and sleep..im so exhausted with my problems and what bothers me most is that I cannot fix them...they just seem to be getting worse. I dont know what to do..im so sad. And, I feel like im going to explode if I have to talk about my issues tomorrow with my boss..she already told me she wants to speak to me tomorrow and if she is asking me about this stuff (we are really close) Im liable to really shut down or get really upset. I just dont know what to do or say or what. I feel like im alone and that no one really cares what im going through and that what im going through is really real..my family thinks im making it a bigger issue than it really is...:( Help me...<>< thanks.
poster:Pandabear
thread:309935
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040131/msgs/309935.html