Posted by shortelise on February 5, 2004, at 15:18:14
I am new here, found this site doing a search on "therapy termination" so know you've talked about this before. I only to go one other discussion forum, and that one for migrainers, and that gives me an understanding of how tedious it can be when a subject has been dealt with over nad over again. I do hope that some of you will find the energy and patience to toss this around with me.
I am a 48 year old woman, married 23 years, no kids (by choice), two cats and a very challenging job that I do by contract, not full time. It is that job that sent me into therapy five years ago: I found myself overcome with anxiety whenever I had a job, the night before I'd be wrung out by fear. I had periods of intense self-loathing, and thoughts of suicide.
The past five years have been what I guess is the usual up and down, in and out, round and round of transference, projection, hate, need, rejection, blah blah. Please don't imagine that I have any profound understanding of the therapeutic process - I don't - it's been mostly a "felt" thing, not a "thought" thing. But I have read a little; most recently I came across Bowlby's "Separation" for 49 cents in a junk store. Couldn't walk away from that when I am trying to separate from my shrink, could I?
My psychaitrist is a man in his early 40's, to whom I am very attached. He has been my mother for most of the time I've been seeing him, poor thing. He has been kind, respectful, intuitive, and appropriate in all ways.
Now, I am better. I have worked through difficulties with interpersoanl relationships, have overcome my anxiety to the point where I can work without any difficulty, in general I feel very well and know - intellectually - that I can go on without my doc. He agrees that it's time.
However, my body tells a different story, a much older one. This feels like abandonment, rejection. I feel unloved, ugly, unlovable.
Also, this "end phase" of therapy terrifies me. It feels like I will lose control if I go into this raw place of such old emotions, and in doing so will give him ... the last key to my kingdom ... so much power ... does that makes sense? I am afraid to go there, afraid that is it so much about love, love that I have refused to feel for him because therapy is a false relationship in a way, and also because I have always known that therapy would end and if I didn't love him, it would be easier.
I know I should go into it, go to the depths of these feelings, but I don't know if I can ... stand it.
So, hoping that I have given enough info, my question is this: does this resonate with anyone out there? Have youlived through a similar situation? Do you have any insights on termination that would help me through this? It seems like if I understood the process better, I might be able to go through it more easily.
Thanks for reading this far, and thank you for taking the time and energy to answer. I do understand that you write your opnions, and from your experience.
Shorte
poster:shortelise
thread:309843
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040131/msgs/309843.html