Posted by helenag on November 27, 2003, at 15:24:55
Please help. I noticed a while ago that I was developing reliance on my pdoc who has spent a lot of time with me because of multiple hospitalizations. Put it on the back burner and went on, but noticed that whenever I began to feel better, I would feel bad about not needing him anymore.
I recently went through a bad bout of anxiety and depression that had me calling him a couple times. I knew that, knew it, it had something to do with a fear of losing him--fear that my getting sick would frustrate him, coupled with the fact that I am alcoholic and he threatened once to quit treating me unless I went to treatment. (I did) And relapsing makes me extrememly fearful of losing him as a doctor. Hence, any slips, etc. are a matter of extreme fear for me.
Yesterday, I went to his office unannounced and without an appointment. He did see me between patients. I told him that I felt there was something keeping me from doing what all I could to get better, and that it had to do with having a doctor attachment to him. This was not an easy thing to do at all, and read between the lines, I was not in "all there" state of mind. He didn't notice and I took great care to be sure that he wouldn't be able to tell.
I feel that I disrepected him by there in that state of mind, number one; however, it did grant me the courage to go up there and tell him what was incredibly difficult to do.
I have worked with the therapist in the practice in the past and have an appointment to see him again. Am wondering if that is wise..Part of me wants to run from this whole thing...Another part wonders what happens when you stay and work with this kind of stuff.
I feel like a first class neurotic. My best friend (a pysch nurse) tells me this happens to pdocs all the time. Tells me that my doc is probably relieved I am aware of it.
Meanwhile, I am humiliated and hope that because of it, my doc doesn't decide to split. If he does that, I really will feel bad. Here I took the risk, and my ass goes tumbling down the stairs. So much for asking for help.
Anyone with words of quasi-wisdom????
poster:helenag
thread:284502
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031123/msgs/284502.html