Posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2003, at 20:26:18
The last couple of weeks have been HELL for me.
I have been buried in transference - for me that means that I think my therapist is mad at me - that I am Bad. I have to do everything to make him stop being mad. During this time I am in an absolute panic - completely frantic. It was so bad that I couldn't read posts on Babble and understand them, I couldn't write sentances, and I didn't have the energy to put what few thoughts I had down.
I would see him, and then over the next day or so I would think about the session and find all of these "signs" that he was mad at me. But I could sort of tell that there was a chance that I was wrong - that he wasn't mad. So I would bury the problem until my next session (thank heavens for sessions twice a week!!!). In the next session, I would bring up my concerns that he was mad, and he would calm me down and convince me that he wasn't mad. Then I would spend the next day figuring out what he had done in THAT session that would indicate that he was mad.
I was so worked up that my pulse went up to 120 and I thought I was having a heart attack. I went to my doctor and she said it was my meds or stress. We sort of all agreed on stress.
Today I walked into his office and said "I don't think that you are mad at me right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to talk about!" He knew what to talk about. He wanted to know why I thought that he wasn't mad - and that led to talking about feeling that I needed to be perfect for my dad to love me. So we spent the session talking about my dad. Painful. But - I don't think that my therapist is mad at me right now! Is this "working through"? I feel like there just may be hope for the future!
poster:fallsfall
thread:284277
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031123/msgs/284277.html