Posted by Penny on October 24, 2003, at 10:04:56
Well, I told my T about the stupid thing I did Tuesday night, though I prefaced it by telling her that I did not need to hear "What were you thinking?" or "Don't ever do that again." I also prefaced it by saying that I didn't really want to tell her b/c I am ashamed of being so naive and, well, just plain stupid. She said she wouldn't be judgmental, and, of course, she wasn't.
Anyway, several things came up that I'm trying to remember, and I did journal about them last night. One: she said that in the past, people thought that folks who had experienced trauma would seek out potentially dangerous and/or risky situations (such as mine on Tuesday night) as a way of potentially causing harm to themselves. She said that new theories, however, say that instead the person who has experienced trauma will seek out such risky and/or dangerous situations as a way of overcoming the trauma - sort of a "Okay, this hurt me in the past, but it won't this time. Things will turn out good this time." I *think* she said something about it being a validating experience, but I'm not sure about that part. Anyway, she said she would like for me to think about why I may have taken such a risk - what were my real reasons?
Secondly, I found myself talking a lot about how 'stupid' I am, and connecting that to what I heard growing up, mostly from my dad. My dad was always calling us (me, my mom, my brother) names, telling us we were stupid, etc. I was academically gifted as a child, through high school, graduating with honors, and then went to college, where I was on the Dean's List 6 of my 8 semesters (though I didn't graduate with honors or anything). But even when I was getting straight As in school, I was still stupid to my dad - if I wasn't stupid academically, I was stupid b/c I lacked common sense. Which I guess is what my risk-taking on Tuesday night reminds me of - that I lack pure common sense.
So, after I started going on and on about my lack of common sense and about how I'm not smart enough academically to do certain things, and so on, she stopped me and said, "We could do this all night, but what you're doing is you've drawn a conclusion - that you're stupid - and you're finding and illustrating examples to prove that conclusion. You could just as easily be finding examples to prove a *different* conclusion - that you're intelligent."
She also said she wants me to get more of these 'stories' out of me, but in a way where I can release them, not in a way that emphasizes my core beliefs about myself.
But what occurred to me, that I don't guess has *really* occurred to me before, is that I feel like I spend much of my time trying to prove to others that I am smart, that I know what I'm talking about, and that leads to being told my some people that I'm a 'know-it-all' - which of course implies (in my mind) that I'm wrong for trying to impart knowledge. I don't want to be a 'know-it-all,' but I don't want to be stupid either. I know I'm not a genius, I'm not a doctor, I have a college degree and I suppose if I want to I can go on to graduate school and get a master's, but it just doesn't seem enough. I feel like I'm trying to prove something, like I HAVE to prove something, and I suspect I'm just trying to prove it to myself, but then reality hits and I realize that I'm never going to be a psychiatrist, or a psychologist, that my pdoc and my therapist will always sometimes talk 'over my head.' That, yes, I might be 'smarter than the average bear' but that it won't EVER be good enough. Good enough for who? I would say for my dad, but I know that's not really true. Good enough for me, I suppose.
I hate feeling like there are things I WANT to do, things I WANT to learn, that I just can't. When it comes to the physical, athletic ability, for example, I can accept that, "hey, I'm not an athlete" and move on. But I don't WANT to be an athlete. I DO want to be intelligent. So, I try to surround myself with intelligent people, but I wonder if that only makes me feel more inept.
Anyway, I sincerely hope none of you actually *read* this b/c I'm just rambling on about ME again, which I feel very self-centered for doing. I don't know that I will ever be together enough to be a therapist - and I think that might be a good thing. Because I'm not sure I should ever be in the place to have that kind of 'power' - really not sure I'm intelligent enough or composed enough or whatever to go there.
And, again, I hate myself. I see my pdoc tonight, and I'm going to tell him that I need him to do SOMETHING about my meds. I don't know what, but I hope he can do SOMETHING that will help. Though it hasn't in the past.
Sorry, all.
P
poster:Penny
thread:272688
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031011/msgs/272688.html