Posted by HannahW on October 3, 2003, at 14:39:03
I had The Big Talk to my therapist yesterday about feeling rejected by her and the resulting wall of defense I put up around myself. I told her I wasn't going to be able to go any deeper with her in therapy until that issue was resolved, because I still needed to come to a place where I didn't feel like I have to protect myself from her. It feels a little brutal to say that to someone. I wonder if it felt that way to her. A tiny little part of me hopes it hurt.
She said, "So what is it that you want from me, an apology? To say I was wrong? Or what would make you feel better about it?" I told her I wanted reassurance. I also told her I had tried to get reassurance from her a couple of other times, but always came up empty. She acknowledged that with an "uh-huh" but then didn't offer any reassurance. Then she steered the conversation away from her and back to me. I'm sure she was displaying very good therapy skills, and it's a Freudian philosophy not to satisfy the infantile wants of patients, but I think it sucks. There were several times that she made me say what I wanted, but then didn't give it to me. I figure the purpose that must be to make me recognize what I want, but then also not be the one to fill that want, but make me find it somewhere else.
We did talk about the reasons that she couldn't go out with me, which helped me understand and feel better about it. So mostly it was a good session and I felt better leaving than I did going in. But then last night I felt intensely lonely.
poster:HannahW
thread:265255
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/265255.html