Posted by cubic_me on September 16, 2003, at 5:43:58
In reply to Re: Should I go back into therapy? » cubic_me, posted by fallsfall on September 14, 2003, at 22:33:14
Yeah, I've been depressed for 6 or 7 years, I'm only 20 now so its all I've ever known really. I didnt get any treatment until this year because I didnt want anything to go down on my record that might stop me getting a job, and it went in waves, so I'd always convince myself that I'd come out of it eventually. I only got help this year because a really close friend killed herself and everything got worse from there. My housemates at university practically marched me into therapy.
It helped at first because I was dealing mainly with the loss of my friend. I only told my therapist that I had been depressed before that when our sessions were about to end. I have been pretty suicidal at times, and she's the only person I've really talked to about that. I havent made an actual attempt but I've come very close. I also told her that I self harm, but I think I played it down abit too much so we havent really talked about it.
I did feel like I was getting abit dependant on her. I was thinking too deeply about how things I was doing between sessions would affect what went on in the sessions - like if I did a certain thing, what reaction would that provoke in her. I also thought that I was trying too hard to gain her acceptance. I didnt want to say certain things incase she thought I was stupid or too needy, or not in need of councelling. I was always wondering what she was thinking but too afraid to ask.
I think, compared to others people, I dont become that dependent on people, but I really value my independance. Because I felt so strongly that I wanted to see her, because she understood me etc, I felt that maybe it wasnt a good thing. I suppose I am ashamed to admit that I want to keep going to therapy with her because that will set it in stone that I cant cope on my own.
Maybe I will schedule a session with her to sort stuff out. But I dont want to disrupt the therapy that the psychiatrist is sorting out. I think writing this stuff down has helped me sort things out a little, but i'm still undecided (but indecisiveness is one of my problems!)
Oh well, thankyou for talking, _me
poster:cubic_me
thread:259970
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/260571.html