Posted by johnnysad on September 6, 2003, at 17:09:34
Two years ago I was a highly functional tech wiz, now I have been unemployed for a long time. My last job payed very well, but due to stress, confusion, vertigo, and anxiety, I walked away from it. I've lost everything and I've been hospitalized several times for serious depression.
Originally placed on Paxil after a week's stay in the hospital, Trazadone and Klonopin were added. I am now on Effexor. Things get better for awhile while on new meds. I even applied for a job recently, but blew my chances during the negotiation stage. The Paxil didn't work. I was told I had refractory major depression and had experienced totall SSRI failure.
I have someone new in my life, and it's a good thing, otherwise I doubt I would be alive having to face the reality of living on the street.
I am so frightened. Sadness seems to just take over. I also have great difficulty sleeping and am trying to get into a sleep clinic to find out the problem. It's difficult with no money or insurance, so I am at the whim of the local university system. Counseling is almost nonexistent, though I can see a psychiatrist for meds.
I experience bouts of rage that frighten myself and others, usually in response to feeling belittled or abused. I scream and curse. A few years ago after having a few drinks, I even threw things and ended up without a place to stay any more. I've made several suicide attempts over the course of my lifetime. The first when I was 15. Things get better, then go back to being awful.
I'm smart and creative and managed to get through college with high grades and find a career that paid well and acted as a creative outlet, but I'm estranged from my family and all my old friends. And though I am still skilled, I'm having difficulty finding work, and I'm worried that when I do, my emotional state may cause me to lose it again.
My new family is helpful and understanding, but can only take so much and I am worried that we too shall part company. My lover and companion refuses to sleep in the same bed with me. She says I thrash about, scream, and curse. I've even pulled her hair and attempted to punch her while in that state.
Someone please help. My life has always been hard, I've always had to deal with the battle against depression, but things are so much worse now. I no longer feel like I'm in control of my own mind at times and it really sucks. I'm a talented, smart, and loving person most of the time. 225mg of Effexor for today and I'm crying like a baby.
Can anyone suggest anything?
Thanks
poster:johnnysad
thread:257655
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/257655.html