Posted by HannahW on September 4, 2003, at 14:04:32
In reply to Now about those tranferences......, posted by Pfinstegg on August 27, 2003, at 19:42:57
Finding this board is a Godsend. Thank you to everyone for sharing so honestly. I've been trying to research the internet to find out why I'm such a freak for being obsessed with my pdoc. It wasn't until I found this board that I realized the word I was looking for is "transference." I always thought transference was just projecting a simple emotion (like anger) toward your therapist that you really feel for someone else. It is, but I didn't realize that it could also be more complicated and involve love or obsession.
I started seeing my pdoc 6 months ago, for medication adjustments only. (I was feeling depressed again.) Our appointments were always exclusively medical-related, but I began to develop this deep desire to know her. I'm still not totally convinced what I'm feeling is transference, because my situation is complicated by the fact that most of my friends are doctors, so I entered my pdoc's office for the first time with the general awareness that doctors are people that don't have their lives together any better than most people. (Sometimes on the contrary!) I found myself liking her as a person (and as an equal) and wishing we could be social. That feeling continued, and eventually I brought it up to her. She immediately said she couldn't do that, but when I pointed out that we hadn't entered into a therapeutic relationship, she said she'd consider it. A few days later, she called and told me she couldn't "change gears" even though we discussed that any social relationship would require an end to our professional relationship.
I continue to think of her as a person and not just a doctor, and since I'm exceptionally sensitive to the nonverbal responses of people, I feel like I see things like signs of an unhappy marriage when she talks about her husband. I'm always sort of "psychanalyzing" her back. Does anyone else do this?
Anyway, I don't in any way hold her on a pedestal or feel that she has any kind of "magic" over me. I can't say that I love her, because I'm aware that I barely know her. But I am obsessed with wanting to find out if we'd be as good a social match as I think we would.
After 6 months of fairly unsuccessful medication adjustments (those are hell!) she suggested that we start therapy. We've had one therapeutic session. It was a good session, but this feeling is intensifying, and it's bound to get worse. After reading about everyone's experiences, I know I'm going to have to discuss it with her, which almost makes me ill to think about. How mortifying!
Does anybody have any thoughts to share with me about whether this is classic transference, or whether there is some chance that my desire to know her is genuine?
Hannah
poster:HannahW
thread:254858
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030814/msgs/256965.html