Posted by WorryGirl on April 10, 2003, at 12:24:31
In reply to Re: How do you handle social situations like this?, posted by paxvox on April 7, 2003, at 19:02:28
> Are you getting ANY medical help? Clonazepam and Paxil seem to do very well for this sort of social "insecurity" for lack of a better word.
>Hi paxvox,
Thanks for your words. No, I'm not getting any medical help YET. I plan on taking probably paxil very soon though. I have a fear of taking medications, especially ones that have the potential for dependency. Partially because of my upbringing, which is based on the belief that medications are merely a crutch for people too weak to get off their behinds and roll with the punches. So I have that stigma, along with me, personally, fearing getting overly dependent upon the medication. But I am going to get over these issues and try it anyway.> My wife had to be hospitalized for a week this past December. It was terribly tough for me, but she was having suicidal ideations. I am no stranger to "mental illness" having enjoyed it for the past 12 years or so. There were times I probably SHOULD have been hospitalized, because to be honest with you, the thought of checking out passes most of our minds when we feel terribly desperate. I have been there. But to try and answer your question. My wife still resents that she had to go to the hospital, and feels as if I forced her to do so, althought it was a self-admit. I DID encourage her to do it. She has not really gotten a whole lot out of the experience. For a few weeks I thought we had a breakthrough, like the movie "Awakenings", but, alas, she has slipped back into her darkness. She has problems talking to people that knew she was there. She has turned her back on her friend that tipped me off that she was making the statements to (as if she had been betrayed by her as well). Hey, call me stupid, but someone who is willing to risk their friendship, or even their marriage, to keep someone else from killing themselves does not need to be treated as the "enemy". Why not just load the gun?
>Wow, you are obviously dealing with many issues. My niece has paranoid schizophrenia and experiences some of what your wife has gone through. That you have managed to stay together and gotten through this so far is admirable.
> How are YOU going to get back into the "world"? I guess I would have to know a whole lot more about your specifics. But the question I would proffer you is "Do you WANT to be well?" Gee, sounds so elementary doesn't it? It is not, by any means. Some of us become so used to our lives of crap because that is what we know, and we are AFRAID of the unknown. So we sit in our known evil afraid of other unknown possibilities, becasue they might be worse. Will they be? Who can tell. Gotten used to where you are? Want to stay there, or do you want to be well? It IS a tough choice that some never make. My wife has lived in her hell since she was 9 years old (47 now). Why? Because to face the demons of her past is just too painful for her, so she has become accustomed to her "crap", because it is what she knows. I hold out hope that one day she will pick up her mat and walk out. You sound like it may not be too late for your escape. Do it NOW while you still can. Make the break, get whatever help it requires. Damn what the world or your friends and family think if you have to be hospitalized. Let them slip on your shoes for just a few steps. It might be as simple as a medication issue, let's hope so. But if you are NOT getting the meds you need, find someone who will help you. It may take some guts, but do you want to be well?
>Yes, I DO want to get well, but I must admit that as miserable as my existence feels at times there is a certain comfort zone that I'm subconsciously afraid to let go of. If I were well, then what excuse would I have when people still don't respond well to me? I realize that not everyone is going to like me, but it really hurts that through my eyes, at least 95% of people don't, once they start getting to know me. That obviously points to a defect in myself. I believe I'm obsessive compulsive, too, which contributes to the social anxiety in a strange way. Most people with social anxiety just plain don't talk to others unless they have to. I am afraid to talk to people unless I think they are responsive and seem to like me (now that I think about it isn't everyone like that though?). I guess the problem begins when I feel that someone finally does seem to like me. I get so excited that I talk too much and look like a freak. I sometimes reveal too much, and even occasionally manage to talk about subjects that people just don't talk about in informal social situations. I really, really, really try not to do this, but it's like once I get started I CAN'T stop! It's embarrassing. I don't always do this. When I am sitting alone and no one is talking to me, I barely say a word. And at times, I'll talk normally even, but it's when someone starts being friendly back. Then I get out of control. Would drugs really help this? I have an uncle who has been made fun of ever since I can remember because he is a compulsive talker. He works in a factory and everyone assumes that he talks so much outside of work because he can't talk at work. But he is like a family joke. I don't work in a factory, but see myself becoming like him. Everyone avoids him because once he gets started on a topic he goes on for hours! I'm not that bad. I don't do that - what I do is maybe get too intense too fast. It's like I don't know any other way. My close friends and family will just tell me to shut up or say "are you finished?". They love me and although it stings a bit, so it really doesn't offend me and keeps me from talking too much. But when getting to know people, they're not going to just tell me to shut up, even if they're thinking it. But I'm almost infantile in needing that cue to shut me up! Ramble, ramble (sorry!)
I appreciate your post. I'm hoping to be able to post that I'm finally taking something :)
poster:WorryGirl
thread:216763
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030407/msgs/218188.html