Posted by LibbyH on April 3, 2003, at 19:38:38
This is the THIRD WEEK I have tried to go back to work. My boss has been outstanding about this. She called today and said she wasn't angry or upset with me for not coming back yet. She wasn't pressuring me and said she didn't want to upset me. They just wanted to know how I was doing. I told her the truth - that I would have been in much sooner, but am terrified to come back because I'm afraid of what everone will say & I'm afraid I can't do the job anymore.
So she said, "Well, why don't you come in tomorrow? If it's too much & you need to go home, then go home. I promise you nobody here will think a thing about it. We all love you!"
Then she told me about once when she'd been physically sick & she'd come back, it took her two weeks just to sort through her mail. She says if I have to do that it's ok.
"Accomodation" doesn't get any better than this organization has offered me. It's really amazing what they've done for me. They let me come in late, take time off for docs, etc.
Still, I'm really, really scared to go back. I tried to go back yesterday and had to turn around because my heart was POUNDING and I just couldn't face it. I feel like a complete FREAK. It's not that I'm embarassed about being mentally ill. I've had to take time off for my depression before, but this is the first time I've ever been in hospitalized and this episode was so much worse than any of the others.
It's been a month since I left the hospital & I'm able to function at home, but I don't like to go out. The only "away from home" experiences that are comfortable for me are visits to my docs, my mom's, and my daily bicycle rides. Otherwise, I don't really want to leave the house. I don't eat much because I don't like to go to the grocery. I'm very afraid of people. Once I'm actually IN a social situation, I do great. No fear, no anxiety, but I would give anything if I never had to leave my house again!
I am an incredibly intelligent, educated, and creative person... and I HAVE to be the queen of the underachievers. I have Ph.D. and most days it's more than I can do to figure out how to pay my bills and water my houseplants.
Are these feelings normal? Will they go away?
L.
poster:LibbyH
thread:215978
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030310/msgs/215978.html