Posted by mair on February 4, 2003, at 16:58:56
In reply to Re: Urp. My therapist rated poorly., posted by bookgurl99 on February 2, 2003, at 14:07:18
Am I rejuvenating a thread that's passe?
My therapist rated rather poorly the first time I took the test and much better the second. I realized that some of the "yes" answers were to statements that are true some of the time, but not all or even most of the time. And when she does these supposedly verboten things she explains the clinical basis for them. She does insist that we talk about our relationship sometimes but only because she has trouble getting me to discuss any other relationship, so she needs to use it as an example. She's made it very clear that she'd go to great lengths to convince me not to quit therapy but only I think because she assumes I'd quit for all of the wrong reasons.
It's truly mind boggling to me how slow this process is for me. I've been seeing her for 3 or 4 years (I've lost count) and on a twice a week basis for almost 2 years and the numbers of things that are easy for me to discuss are far surpassed by the numbers of topics I resist/avoid. She's not anti-CBT, I was referred to her in the beginning for CBT and she still tries to incorporate some tools from time to time. It's just that she decided quite awhile ago that CBT was pretty ineffectual for me - she claims I just wouldn't "buy into it."When things are going well, I feel that I run out of things to say and have a hard time identifying therapeutic goals. It's almost easier for me, albeit less productive, when I'm in bad shape. When things are going well, I do sometimes think of quitting or taking a break because my heart just isn't in it. When things are not going as well I have a difficult time not being self-judgmental about my poor progress. I see myself as uncommitted to the hard work of therapy or I fear that she's going to get frustrated dealing with me. She and I have been over this alot, but it still crops up from time to time.
For a long time I've worried that I don't feel much of a connection to her, despite the great amount of time we spend together. I can pretty well convince myself that she would feel no loss if I drifted out of therapy and that I'd feel no regrets if she was the one to terminate. It's only been in the last couple of weeks that I've started noticing occasionally that I sometimes talk to her now about things that I'd otherwise hold back, and I'm not feeling this huge reservoir of regret afterwards that I opened up too much. Maybe after all this time I'm starting to trust her more, although I'd never have admitted that I didn't trust her before. After several more productive sessions I was back to my old tricks today - of filtering and censoring alot of what I might have said.
My therapist's take is that I'll really want to quit as I feel a greater connection to her (is this Dinah's dilemma?) and that I'll also want to quit if I start feeling better. I worry both about quitting too soon and squandering all of this therapy and quitting too late because I don't see that it's a waste of time. I can't always see a place where I want to go - sometimes I just think I keep doing this because I'm now in the habit. I've been in some kind of therapy off and on - mostly on - for about 8-9 years. You'd think I'd have more to show for it.
I'm pretty well convinced that she's a competent professional therapist and that I have a better chance of getting to a better "place" with her than I have with another therapist or on my own. I'm blessed with very good insurance benefits so my co-pay is pretty small given the total cost. There's always things wrong - I wish I found it easier to open up to her; I don't care for it when she reads back from her notes things I've said in a prior session. I've noticed that when I'm strugging and she tries to finish my sentence she does a poor job of it ususally - it makes me think that she really can't anticipate what I mean to say. But on balance I'm glad I'm in her hands and not that of any of my previous therapists.
Mair
poster:mair
thread:1989
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030203/msgs/2494.html