Posted by Dinah on December 11, 2002, at 16:18:24
> I just feel like every day is disconnected...
Wow!! That is *exactly* how I feel in my less connected states. It's what I try to explain to others, without much success.
OK, I'm going out on a limb here to explain how I think therapy works with this, because while I know it does, and I sort of know how, I also think it will be hard to explain without my sounding really nuts.
Somewhere along the line, I used my dissociative skills to disconnect my feeling self from my intellectual self. I even know more or less when I did it. At some point in therapy, I came to the startling realization that the "me" I thought of as me was really an artificial construct (my own idiosyncratic way of describing it) created to deal with the world at a time when I felt completely unable to do so. I was totally at a loss when my therapist would ask me to keep a diary of my emotions. I would say "OK" or "upset", and that was about it.
As I got to trust my therapist more (and believe me, this took time) and as he continued to press me to find out exactly what I was feeling, I became aware that there was a layer to me that did feel. At first it was a dim awareness, and I did a lot of visualization and deliberately opening internal doors etc. to reach it. But slowly I became aware more and more of what I was feeling.
So at first, I might not realize for a week that I was upset about something, then another week to figure out what it was (if I ever did). Then later I knew immediately if I was upset, but it might take me a week to figure out why. Later maybe only a few hours. Currently I think I am at the point where I can figure out right away if I am upset and have an awareness of why, although there still seems to be some distance between my feeling and my awareness most of the time, if that makes sense. Of course, sometimes I take a few steps back and start over.
The way that therapy helped was that it gave me a place that I felt completely safe to feel what I felt. I didn't have to worry about the effects of my feelings on others. I could concentrate on delving deep inside of myself where I was still a feeling person. It involved a type of meditation to reach my feeling self. I still have the most success doing it within the therapeutic hour although if I concentrate I can do it outside of therapy.
The reason I couldn't have done this for myself is that I wouldn't have even realized that I was feeling without my therapist's gental nudging. And I wouldn't have felt safe enough to allow myself the vulnerability of feeling without my attachment to and complete trust in my therapist. Because when your feelings are as well defended as mine were, and you have dissociated most of your life, it just isn't easy to drop those barriers. And it took a lot of time in therapy. I don't think it's short term work.
If you want to try it yourself at home (and I still think it's best done therapeutically), you need to wait until you have the tiniest glimmer of feeling then focus and follow that feeling through meditation. It's hard to explain. I don't even know how to tell your therapist what you're looking for. My therapist understands now, but we've been years and years figuring it out and working on it (while also dealing with panic attacks, cyclothymia, OCD, and meltdowns. :) ) But I do know it requires the feeling of safety.
I don't know if your problems have the same source as mine. They certainly have similar characteristics, but I don't know if they work the same way. But this method is working for me, and I think the last few months of therapy have been enormously productive. And I just want the richness that fully living can bring.
poster:Dinah
thread:1797
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021109/msgs/1797.html