Posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 15, 2002, at 10:27:36
In reply to Medication or therapy?, posted by Dinah on November 15, 2002, at 9:24:01
> So do I stay with the easy comfortable feeling, or decide to work a while longer at being something more than I currently am, an integrated "whole" person. That's my dilemma. Any thoughts?
----------------------I always employ the simple rule of "what makes me happiest?" It's easy to forget how miserable you felt off meds when you've been on them for a while. For me, being off meds means having a sex drive, the ability to use it, deep emotions, spontaneity, and a certain familiarity with myself. These are all nice things, but are also accompanied by crying fits, sporadic lethargy and derealization, and an ever present undercurrent of melancholy.
Like you seem to be, I've always been pretty well divorced from my emotions. When I first became depressed, I was describing the emotional turmoil of it to my counselor. He asked if I preferred the current emotions to the previous non-emotional state, and I said "yeah." It was nice to finally feel things, even if they weren't good. That said, the novelty wore off relatively soon, and I was happy to find something that put me on a more even keel. I didn't want to think about killing myself.
Since then, I've been pretty neutral emotionally. I don't get as excited as I used to. There's sort of a cap on how extremely I can feel anything. Still, I'm not sad. Most of the time I'm just neutral, or maybe even kind of pleasant. It's not as exciting or interesting as roiling emotions, but it's certainly more functional for me. I also think that I can eventually have both if I just learn to allow myself. I know that I have the potential. I just need to stop gating everything; analyzing it before it can effect me. Maybe therapy can help you do something like that, even with the meds. Being emotionally whole isn't much good if you don't appreciate your life, look forward to things, and enjoy the present.
I don't know your particulars, but that's just my take.
poster:Eddie Sylvano
thread:1555
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021109/msgs/1556.html