Posted by terra miller on August 28, 2002, at 0:31:32
In reply to Re: If you have a dissociative disorder » terra miller, posted by judy1 on August 27, 2002, at 0:01:42
> as for me, i mostly feel like a shell.... i am a shell through which everybody else relates. that's probably a strange
> concept, but that's a lot like what it feels.
>
> So you don't feel like the dominant personality? I get the feeling like the terra who posts here is very consistant- are you struggling to maintain that control?boy, the answer to that one is extremely complex. i have no control over being in control. i don't know when i am in control even, but i recognize when i haven't been. the problem is that i always feel like i am in control, only to realize later that i never was. a lot of who i am is partially a grouping of personalities and then still many singles. so if i am operating singly and then come out of it, i realize that i wasn't in control. but i will always tell you that i am in control.... because theoretically speaking, "whoever" you talk to at that moment is going to tell you that they are "in control." UGH!
so, it depends. i'm trying to think about how i feel right now as i write. i'm not sure if i feel like the "main" personality; i feel more created. isn't that weird. but it's all about survival, and i have lots of rules about internet behavior and so especially here you'll notice that i'll probably come across- it feels monotone almost- supportive and informative. but you won't see me participating in the behind the scenes arguments because of my adopted monotone supportive/informative stance, fyi. blablablablablabla. :-)
>>I know i feel like the times when i don't remember or dissociate are the times i'm not in control.you know what's interesting about that comment is your awareness that you weren't in control. of course, sometimes it's obvious when you have a SI issue you didn't do things like that. but i know for me that i don't know that i even dissociate. in fact, i don't know that i've dissociated often until i am three "dissociations" past the first one. i guess i still have a lot of protective devices still in place. i know i do.
hey, re: your therapist comment. sometimes the ability to trust can come easier from a child's perspective. for example, i have always trusted my therapist from the start because i am predominately made up of children who respond to being loved. and the times when i've distrusted my therapist have all been times when a child has felt threatened or misunderstood, and then somebody stronger steps up to defend them and then my therapist has a h--- of a time regaining the trust. all that is to say, depending on how you approach therapy and your therapist might determine how quickly you are able to trust. of course there are lots of other factors obviously. i know i bumped up to twice a week after just a month because somehow inside of me there was a realization that we had found the right person to talk to, and we couldn't keep up with the flow of information if we didn't spill it out and so many times we didn't know if we would make it to the next session. all that is to say, when you are ready to bump up to twice a week you will know it. i think you will know it because you will start to need it.
rambling terra
poster:terra miller
thread:975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020702/msgs/991.html