Posted by illbeleavinnow on July 10, 2002, at 18:04:31
DISCLAIMER: This post contains some swears. Please disregard it as just a way to express myself when I'm not thinking clearly. I am in no way a profound curser.
OK, first of all, I don't know why I'm posting here because I don't expect many replies because I'm not posting a question. I guess I'm just doing this to explain myself to someone. As a matter of fact, a question just popped up in my mind, and I'd like to get it out quick before I forget it.
I'm afraid I may have a mental disease. Probably not major, but probably one that can affect me. At the sligthest thing that goes wrong, no matter how happy I am, I plunge into a sort of depression. Consequently, whenever something good happens, I get really happy really quick. I may have exagerated a bit on that first one. If I'm really happy, I just lose some of my happiness, I don't get depressed. But my point still remains. My mood changes way too easily. I'm rarely at neutral, if there ever was such a thing (I think it would be called boredom ;) ).
As you may have already realized, I'm not exactly chronically depressed or sad, because I still make jokes, I still like to amuse people, and I always hold my head up. The thing is sometimes I mask my emotions too much.
At first it wasn't serious. I just didn't like to show my sadness. At most I was quiet instead of rambunctious, but I was never looking really depressed. And then once, I was on a roll talking with someone, and I told them what I felt, and our friendship was a bit more than hampered. It didn't really soothe me, but on the contrary left me very uncomfortable. So now it's more than just something that I don't want to show. But before I go any further, I'd like to explain a bit about my life, so you won't get so confused.
I'm actually quite popular in school. I can't explain why (well I can, it's more a matter of I don't want to), but I can tell you how I know. Lots of people like to have me around. I always make them feel better, and I make everyone laugh. I've got a group of people I always hang out with, and we're all cool, we love rap, and we're all very, very well known in school. On a more different basis of coolness, I'm foreign, I look Puerto Rican though I'm Romanian, I'm smart (more on this later), and I have mad crazy hair. On a final basis, many people come to me for advice. Not so much anymore, because people are happier nowadays in our school, but people still think I'm intelligent. Note, I said intelligent, not smart. I make ideals for mysels and I my life based on those. I share a lot with people on my profile and my away messages on AOL. But what people find most interesting is what I think about love.
To wrap up this thing about myself, I love my family, they love me, I've been called an amazing pianist, a great drawer, a damn good M:tG player (a strategic card game), and been voted most devious, most ingelligent, and most rebellious in my school.
So anyways, I guess what I'm about to say is the main reason for my post. Let me start with the background.
A few days ago, this girl IMed me asking me how she got my screenname because we didn't know each other. Turns out she's from Michigan (I'm from New Hampshire), and we have no relations. But that doesn't matter, what's interesting is because this girl and I are exact replicas of each other (except for the whole sex thing). We're both definitely not ordinary, we're both popular, we both love music (she plays amazing violin and I play amazing piano), we both have the same passions, the same ideals, morals, like the same stuff, and it is simply amazing. So obviously, me being me I fall for this girl. And I fall for her hard. I mean, I'm basically in love with her. We did a bit of voice chatting too, and even her voice is amazing (sexy, really, :). And I haven't even seen her, yet I'm still crazy for her.
Of course I don't tell her this, I'm gonna have to wait on that, and I keep my cool when we're talking. I always make her laugh (a lot), and we usually chat for hours (a record for me :-D). One of the ideals that I live by is that things can only get better, not worse (in a sense. I'm never concrete. Abstract is the better way to go, in my opinion). So finally I'm thinking to myself, "Things have gotten better."
Oh, I forgot to mention, I've never dated anyone in my life, I've never had anyone fall for me, I've never kissed someone, and no girl has ever flirted with me, serious or not. So I'm a lonely guy, and that's the main reason I'm sometimes depressed.
So back to the point, I'm thinking that things haven gotten better. That I've finally met someone. And then I find out that she's already seeing someone. I'm kind of confused by this, because the guy's six years older than her (which is a huge difference at our age), and he has a girlfriend, but she says the he always tells her that he loves her. Her exact words were "He has a gf, but I know he loves me. He says 'I love you' to me every night." So I take it cooly, JUST LIKE I'VE BEEN DOING FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE!!! Sorry. Yes, I did put that in to emphasize what I feel sometimes, but I rarely have rage (or at least I don't have any right now). So I casually say that I gotta go now, and I put on my away message and retreat to the living room so no one can see me. And I start crying lightly. It was what, five total tears, but it was crying. Now I've faced rejection three times, being lonely for my whole life, and in my young ages being called many names, and I put up with it, keeping my head up. But this was too much for me. This was the only girl I've felt so strongly about. I mean, I loved her. And I don't say that loosely. Every ideal or moral I've ever lived by that deals with love agrees with me being in love with her. But now I find out she loves someone else.
I'm heart broken. I mean, really, I am. Nothing made sense at that point. I was thinking "Where is God now? Where is he now? Can't he see my suffering?" I've been suffering for my whole fucking life, and it just got worse. I'm thinking when will things get better for me? HOw come everyone has someone but I don't?
Sigh, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what to do. Maybe she doesn't love him. Maybe she doesn't know much about love. Maybe I still have a chance. But I'm sick of trying to look happy, sick of trying to BE happy, and sick of waiting for things to get better. I'm just confused. Nothing makes sense anymore.
WEll, thanks for listening. Sorry if I made any typos, I don't have the time to check over them (actually, I'm lazy).Thanks for any help you can give,
Dan.P.S. Please don't say "You have to wait, things will get better. You're still young." In fact, I purposely ommitted my age just so you wouldn't do that. But now I realize there's no need. I'm 14. There. But I've lived more of life than most adults. And this isn't ignorance.
P.P.S. I know it's young for love and all, but keep in mind that I'm different. I've been thinking about love for a long time. I know about it. I've helped many relationships with my advice. So also please don't say that I dont' know what I'm talking about (though I'm sure you wouldn't word it as rudely).
P.P.P.S. Also, realize that right now I'm not asking for much. A simple girlfriend would be more than enough. But with this girl that I met, it was something else. Plus, how did she get my screenname out of the blue? I don't believe much in it, but I do now. Fate kicked in.
P.P.P.P.S. To clarify a bit, I'm not very religious, but I do believe in God. God is more of a name than a being, because I just believe that there's a presence watching over me (yes, I said me. A guardian angel, so to speak). Also, I'm not always depressed. I'm happy a lot, but I've never been "truly happy". By truly happy I mean happy for months. I've been happy for days, sometimes weeks, but I've never went more than that without being sad at least once. Yes, I do realize this is normal, but I want you to realize that not being truly happy in your life is anything but normal.
P.P.P.P.P.S. I also don't do drugs or alcohol, and I may have put too many P's in this post script.
poster:illbeleavinnow
thread:574
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020702/msgs/574.html