Posted by Susan J on December 1, 2003, at 10:06:35
In reply to Grief Beyond Endurance - HELP PLEASE!, posted by Clayton on December 1, 2003, at 5:45:13
Hi, Clayton,
I'll get the platitudes out of the way, first. :-) I'm really sorry all this got dumped on you at once and I know it's extremely painful. Almost the same thing happened to my brother just a couple of months ago. The pain for all involved is excruciating.
> My wife of twenty years left me two weeks ago. She was not just the meaning of my life, she is my life itself.
<<Stop thinking of it like that. I know you hurt and that you love her. But you need to refocus your energy and love *yourself.* Nurture *yourself* because, if you don't, why should anyone else?It's time to triage. You've just had huge crises dumped on you. Taking action will give you something to do and will make you feel better about yourself, and more in control of your situation. I know you feel paralyzed, but try one step at a time. So many retail places are hiring seasonal help right now. Even if you have no intentions of working there, go pick up some applications, fill them out, and turn them in. The more you can be productive, the more motivated you'll get to keep doing things you need to do.
*Apply for unemployment,
*Go job hunting, even if it's a job at McDonalds or a book store or 7 Eleven. Just get something and keep on looking for jobs in your field....
*Get counseling. It helps long-term, but also short-term, giving you better coping skills.
*Lean on good friends and family. That's what they are there for.
*Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your wife, but realize that she *isn't* your world, *you* create your own reality and you're very focused on her, which is totally normal. So *she* is your reality right now, but that's not healthy. But if you start concentrating on *you* you will heal faster. The more you focus on you and healing *you*, getting better coping skills and healthy interpersonal relationship skills, the faster you will feel happy again. You deserve to be happy, and perhaps she just wasn't the right partner.
> I rescued her from an abusive marraige with two infant sons when she was in her twenties. She had nothing and nowhere to go. I raised the boys as my own. They call me dad. I love them with all my heart. I provided, loveed , nurtured, suported. Gave all my time. All my support. All my financial resources. I gave everything I had.
<<I know you probably feel used by her, I know my brother felt used by his wife. But focus on the fact that your love was true, that you are capable of love, that you nutured those kids. You are kind and caring and reliable. Those are wonderful, wonderful traits! Keep loving those boys... :-)Hang in there. It *does* get better...
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:285435
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/285503.html