Posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 2:20:38
In reply to Re: Hopelessly missing him., posted by shar on September 15, 2003, at 0:29:03
It's just that the mind starts to falter, you know? Even though I know I was miserable with him, I started thinking back tonight to the good things, thinking *maybe* it was not all as bad as it seemed that last night... I guess there's a bottom line for everyone. Maybe someone else could have continued in the relationship. Maybe I should have.
This is hell. Really. I don't need to stay in this state any longer, if anyone up above is listening. Either give me what there is to learn or let me go, cause I 'aint staying here no more. If a man tells you you are not worthy of love, even in a fit of anger, and swears mysoginistic epithets; if he spends an hour demeaning you to his therapist the next morning on the phone and you overhear the 'uncensored' version of what he really thinks of you and it's quite devastating-- do you take him back? I was reading back old emails he'd written right after the breakup and he said he was 'willing' to work on things--to try going to therapy. He determined that 'both of us were incredibly fu*ked up" and needed to deal with our issues. That was his apology, and it didn't seem like enough at the time. Maybe I was waiting for something unrealistic, or maybe there was something intelligent guiding me. I honestly can't tell anymore. I was so hurt (but he kept minimizing what had happened) that I just wanted him to really apologize.
But in his email today you would think he'd been at my doorstep everyday with his heart on his sleeve, begging my forgiveness. Only to have me feed back to him the cold harsh reality that we could never be together. And I'm thinking, No! Wait! How did I incur my own abandonment yet again! What happened here?! It's so crazy making. Because I know, in my heart of hearts, that if he'd truly made any effort I would have been there before he finished calling me. And he's making it sound like he did make an effort, and it's my decision to end this relationship--although he is finally agreeing with me. But I *didn't want to end the relationship. I wanted to marry him*. However I am told that would have probably changed nothing either.
God, I just want to call him and have him love me again. But it wouldn't happen, would it.
poster:kara lynne
thread:259975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/260125.html