Posted by Dena on April 20, 2003, at 21:01:06
In reply to Dena--Easter, posted by Miller on April 20, 2003, at 2:23:24
Miller -
Thankyouthankyouthankyou for your prayers! The way it turned out is so much different & better than I could have hoped for! I have to tell you about this!
A little background: at our church we have a praise band, which has a leader (Diana). Our dance team is a new group, & we also have a leader (Clare). Right after Christmas, Diana told Clare that she wanted to do a song together, "The Easter Song", but she didn't know which version that the choir would be singing. Since it takes dancers longer to learn a dance than it takes singers to learn a song, we dancers had to get going right away. So, since January, we've been working hard on a very complicated, beautiful dance in preparation for Easter. Two weeks before Easter, Diana finally gave Clare a cassette tape of the version the choir would be singing (& which we would be dancing to). Unfortunately, this version of the song had only one verse (we'd leaned a dance to four verses, plus a musical interlude). That meant that most of our hard work was seemingly wasted. We were all very dissapointed. But we were told that we could do the longer version of the dance on Saturday night (we meet for prayer ministry that night), using our CD, & that we'd do the shorter version on Sunday morning. Better than nothing. We finally all got together on last Friday night to practice. Diana started changing things about the dance, which made it much less beautiful. I felt devastated! We had worked for months to give this dance to our church as an Easter gift, & it felt as if we were being discounted, & that our gift was worthless. I totally lost control. I started complaining, then crying, then yelling; all my issues of perfectionism, control & performance just erupted! It was NOT a pretty sight. Part of my brain was saying, "This is stupid, you are totally over-reacting." Another part of my brain was saying, "This is unfair! This hurts! This isn't right! How dare you take away something precious to me!" All the other dancers, all the singers, & all the musicians just stared at me with their mouths open. I ran out of the room & had a pity party until the rehearsal was over (my daughter is one of the other dancers, otherwise I would've just left).
I felt awful that night. I spent some time talking to my priest's wife, who's my spiritual mentor. She told me that God was breaking me of the tyranny of control, so that I could learn to trust Him enough to submit to His will for my life, rather than trying so hard to control everything & everyone else. She also said that I over-reacted because this situation probably reminded me subconciously of unhealed events in my past, where I'd experienced the loss of something important to me. I started to see the bigger picture. I knew that the enemy was on the job, to steal the joy of dancing before God on Easter away from me.
I called all the people who'd witnessed my tantrum, & asked their forgiveness. I told them that I would submit to the way they wanted to do the dance. They were all so gracious! Not only did they each forgive me, but they let me know they understood how I'd felt, & they let me know they accepted & loved me as I was - imperfections & all. One of the musicians asked me if I'd be willing to dance a solo with the Paschal candle - representing bringing the Light of Christ to the church. He said that I'd have to "wing it", & trust God to lead me in the dance while this man played the violin.
So, I accepted. On Saturday night, the entire church stood around in a circle. The building was dark except for the Paschal candle, lit in the middle of the circle. I entered from the back, carrying a candle in a glass votive. I danced to the Paschal candle & lit my candle with it. Then I danced in & out of the circle, bringing the light to each person. I felt no nervousness, no self-conciousness, & no dizziness as I spun around. It was such an unexpected gift! I gave up something that was important to me, & God gave me back something even better. God is good.
Happy Easter to you, & again, thanks for your prayers!
Shalom, Dena
poster:Dena
thread:220798
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20021227/msgs/220972.html