Posted by riot on August 30, 2008, at 15:58:21
Hey everyone. I wanted to drop a note and let you know where I stand with myself.
I have never been good with keeping people around. I have suffered from low self esteem for most of my life. I have always felt ugly, stupid, and crazy.
In high school I was a drama kid. I spent most of the time in music classes and at church. Once I stopped going to church I started going to concerts. But it seemed like every group of friends I made wouldn't stick around long.
After I graduated I lost weight, cut my hair, started wearing makeup and putting time into myself. I felt beautiful. Then ex fiance number 1 undid all of that work when he started in the verbal, emotional, physical abuse.
I left him after I miscarried and he would hit me in the stomach and laugh. Joking about how I looked fat and he'd make sure I wasn't pregnant.
When I left him I had my first relationship where I slept with the person before we had commited. When he flipped out after I had spent a weekend with him I lost the feeling that sex was special.
After him I slept with a number of people. 21 in total. Mainly because with drugs and alcohol comes the lack of judgement with who you bed. I got hpv last year. Then had my second miscarriage. A month later I got raped.
So what? I've been a lifelong dissapointment to my family. I have no friends. I have no sexual identity. No sex drive. I feel like I am ugly as sin.
I have 30 hours of tattoos in my body. That's about the only thing I like about what I see anymore.
I wish I could learn to love myself again. But that won't happen until I find myself again.
poster:riot
thread:849279
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20080816/msgs/849279.html