Posted by Racer on September 7, 2006, at 20:43:58
My T was asking me what I really felt -- what my physical sensations were, not emotional -- when I "felt fat." (I have gotten very good at NOT saying, "I feel really fat today" in session. I say something else, like, "Today I am experiencing the sensation of being considerably larger...") The past few days, I have "felt fat." In fact, I have felt hugely, enormously, grossly, disgustingly, gigantically fat. In fact, I told her the other day that I woke up that morning having gained at least twenty pounds from the day before. (Obviously, I know that isn't literally true. I just *felt* that much fatter.) That's what brought this up.
Since then, I've been trying to figure out what it is that's different on the days that I feel humongously fat versus days I only feel pathetically fat. (BIG issue today, because it's Group Night, and I really don't want to go.)
The past few days, I've noticed that my belly is distended more than usual. I go into paroxysms of self-loathing about my belly anyway, so having it worse is just about unbearable. I don't know what's doing it, I can't point to any changes in diet that would lead to this, I just don't know what's different. (Although I have a bad habit of snacking on potato chips, which I haven't had for nearly a week now. Maybe it's just withdrawal? Maybe my doctor will prescribe one ounce of potato chips -- Ruffles Mesquite BBQ, of course, since that's the cat's favorite -- per day?) All I know is that I feel loathsome.
It's a problem for me anyway, all the time. I think about getting liposuction, but you know what? It's not only that I have a huge layer of loathsome adipose tissue covering my belly. It's also that my belly itself sticks out nearly far enough to convince people I'm pregnant! I look like a three year old, with the belly sticking out, toddling around. I HATE it.
Sometimes I think I could handle being fat better if my belly just didn't stick out so much. And it really is the way I am, because even at 95 pounds, it stuck out, and there was fat on it. (That's NOT distortion, by the way. That's just honest truth -- I have pictures of it.)
The funny thing, and the thing that makes me know there's a lot of pathology in this phenomenon, is that when my belly sticks out -- or whatever it is that leads to me feeling fat -- my arms feel fatter than usual, my legs become horrible white slugs, etc. It's not just my belly that does it. It's my whole body that becomes twice it's size.
I don't even know why I'm posting this. But, I am.
Sincerely yours,
the terrestial white whale
poster:Racer
thread:684087
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20060628/msgs/684087.html