Posted by Racer on March 31, 2005, at 15:08:06
I've been working on "recovering" for some months now, and have hit a wall. Head on, at about 60 miles per hour. Totalled my front end. If there's anyone here who has gotten past this, can you tell me HOW?
Since about November, I've gained almost 14 kilos. I hate it, feel lousy, etc. I've gone back and forth between coming close to meeting the goals set on my meal plan, and not even trying. For the past week or so, I've been restricting again, and loving the way it feels, but also feeling ashamed and guilty for doing it.
I know there's a huge disconnect involved -- hell, I know how ridiculous it is for me to encourage other people while I'm letting myself backslide -- but so far the treatment is really only nutritional counseling. My new T and I are still working our way through my history, we have only spoken once or twice about my whole ED spectrum of issues. (And she hasn't much experience with EDs. I mentioned my belly the other day, and she was very surprised to hear about the visceral obesity phenomenon. Also, I didn't start seeing her until I had gained most of this weight. She didn't see me when I was thin.)
Also, at the support group I go to, last night I mentioned how much I had gained since starting to go to the group. Everyone said, "I haven't noticed you've changed at all." That was devastating! I know that it's supposed to be reassuring -- but all I can think of is that I was the fattest there to begin with! That group, though, is wonderful. I do still get the "you're feeling sorry for me" reaction when someone tells me I look just fine, but otherwise it's so, so helpful for me.
Anyway, every day through this relapse, I have gone through periods where I feel as though I WILL meet my food goals today -- only to find that I then skip most of my meals instead. I don't know how to try to hold on to any sort of motivation long enough to act on it. Wait -- I can hold on to the motivation to restrict, so I guess it's only the *healthy* motivations I can't hold on to.
Anyone have any advice?
poster:Racer
thread:478215
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20050314/msgs/478215.html