Posted by MissThang on February 14, 2013, at 12:54:39 [reposted on February 15, 2013, at 10:44:24 | original URL]
Hi everyone. Some of you may recognize my handle from numerous posts back in 2010/2011. At that time, I was just starting to come off psych meds for depression and didn't know which way was up.
I'm posting today because I realized that my depression has finally been healed. It's not something that occurred all of the sudden, but something that kind of sneaked up on me over the past year and I just realized today that it's been months and months...maybe a year or so since I felt depressed and wanted to share my story to encourage others. Keep in mind that I had struggled with depression for the better part of 15 years before I started taking psych meds regularly...I had tried a couple early on, but they didn't seem to help.
Let me preface this by saying that I am not here to judge anyone for the choices they're currently making. I believe we all do the best we can at the time with our current knowledge and circumstances, so while my path my be instructive to some, it's not the only path and I know that. I also want to be clear that I do not run around in a perpetual state of bliss, but I think most of you know that's not possible and are really just trying to feel "normal" (whatever that means to you) again. I feel good most of the time and I sometimes get sad or angry and have bad days. But I also am fully capable of feeling joy and belly laughing and feeling capable of accepting whatever comes my way that day, and that to me is a pretty good place to be!
So, without further ado, what did I do to heal myself? I decided to get healthy or die trying (mostly joking with that last part but those of you in a deep struggle with the dark beast known as depression will surely understand.)
Let's start with where I was in the spring of 2011: I had been on psych meds for years...tried a bunch and ended up doing well on 450mg of wellbutrin...for a while. After a couple of years it started to fizz out on me and the next several years my dr and I rotated a variety of additional drugs to augment the wellbutrin. Eventually the few of those that helped stopped working too and I broke down and tried several MAOI's, which was a very unpleasant experience for me.
After I had tried pretty much every drug my dr. had in his arsenal, he decided my only choice was ECT. I actually considered this for a while, but besides the fact that I had no insurance at this time, the idea of undergoing shock therapy just didn't set well with me. (Again, no judgements for those of you who have undergone or are considering this...maybe it's a good choice for you.)
What it boiled down to for me was this: I had mistreated my body and undergone so much stress for so long that it simply didn't have what it needed to function properly, and that included making/utilizing the appropriate amounts of neurotransmitters/hormones. I had been severely anhedonic for nearly 2 years at this point, not feeling a true moment of joy or peace in all this time. I now realize I was so short on the necessary neuros primarily because my diet/lifestyle were so poor.
When I first stumbled upon the idea of food allergies/intolerances, I immediately dismissed them because other than experiencing constipation fairly often, I wasn't experiencing any major digestive problems. As it turns out, I had (have?) leaky gut/dysbiosis, which just means the bacteria levels and proportions in my gut were way out of whack, causing/contributing to the constipation. Additionally, I came to understand that the majority of many neurotransmitters are actually created in the gut and when it's not functioning properly, it's not making the needed amounts of these.
So just for a trial (to prove to myself I didn't really have food intolerances/allergies)I stopped eating all the major allergens for a week to see what happened...and I did feel a little better. Not "good" by any means, but I was able to sleep a bit better (I had been on a combination of Ambien/herbs/supplements to sleep but had only been sleeping about 2-3 hours a night for months at that point). So this was interesting, but left me with lots of questions. Like "will I have to avoid eating all these foods forever?" because that didn't seem feasible.
As I pressed forward I also realized I had done a lot of damage to my body by being on hydro-cortisone for years to boost my underactive adrenal hormone levels. Again, this seemed to help at first, but eventually my adrenals became lazy because of the added cortisol and stopped making it. I saw a (pretty awful) naturopath around this time who told me to just stop taking the hydro-cortisone and take some supplements she gave me, which, in hindsight, was a really dumb idea because my body had become dependent on the added cortisol and when I abruptly stopped, I had extremely low levels in my body. I was so weak and tired for so many months after this...I actually ended up quitting smoking at this time because I was so exhausted (though unable to sleep) that one day I was just too weak to go to the store to buy more cigarettes when I ran out.
As the months passed, I proceeded to also have my mercury fillings removed and treat the candida overgrowth (back in the spring of 2010, I had severe candida overgrowth...my toenails all were infected with fungus, a sign of systemic candida issues). I tried the drugs and I tried the natural anti-fungals. Both helped some, but eventually I realized that candida, which it causes many symptoms by itself, is not actually the root of the problem...candida usually appears when there are excess toxins and/or dysbiosis in the system, so I needed to address these things before I'd be able to truly rid myself of the candida overgrowth.
I did some chelation for the stored mercury in my system; I took probiotics, I started doing yoga and meditating (I recommend some form of meditation that incorporates positive visualization like the Silva Method, though I'm not a fan of Laura Silva, who's currently running that company. Check out Burt Goldman or the book "The Genie Within"). I began taking some things to boost my thryoid because my daily temps were hovering around 97, a sure sign my metabolism was low. And slowly, I started feeling better.
In October 2011, I had the first moment of joy that I'd had in over 2 years. I was just driving to the store and a song I used to enjoy (remember, I hadn't really "enjoyed" anything, including music, in years) came on the radio. I started getting into it...started singing with it...and it dawned on me that I was happy at that moment! I started crying tears of joy because I knew then that I was capable of feeling joy again! I still experienced quite a few dark days after this, but at least I had placed my foot on the first rung of "feeling good" again and that was encouraging.
I also discovered shortly after this that I have an MTHF deformity (fairly common, apparently) which means I don't utilize B12 well and I don't methylate well, which impairs detoxification (may help explain why some people seem to "hold on" to excess toxins and others don't seem bothered by them). So I started taking a supplement specifically created for those with such deformities which includes several active forms of the B vitamins, and also taking Sam-E, which helps the body methylate and reduced inflammation.
Since then, I have continued down the path of (primarily) alternative healing. I have taken some prescriptions (not psych meds) over the past couple of years, but the primary approach has been figuring out what my body needs to help it heal itself because I now know that it can.
My responses to foods that are difficult for me to digest has decreased significantly...6-12 months ago, if I ate something like gluten-containing bread or dairy or especially soy, within hours I would be extremely irritable and would almost pick a fight with anyone unfortunate enough to come into contact with me. And then I would have a melt down and sob and sob. Now, even though I limit those foods, my reactions to them are much more subtle.
I've made so much progress in helping my body to heal itself and my digestive tract still has a little ways to go, but I've finally gotten to the point where I barely remember what it was like lying on my sofa all those months after the meds stopped working, too tired/angry/sad to do anything and too tense to sleep.
I hope no one takes issue with this post -- I was a bit afraid to write it because I remember how angry I would get (who, me? angry? haha!) when I was on here struggling to find information about a new drug or new approach to help pull me out of that pit and people would post those stupid alternative healing things that I knew were total crap:-) But I wanted to reach out to some of you who feel you have no options left and encourage you to try the "natural" approach, even if you continue with your psych meds for a while at the same time. This approach probably won't yield immediate recovery, but it may deliver permanent recovery if you give it a chance.
I wish you all well in your journeys -- I know your body has the ability to heal once you help remove the blocks to healing.
MissThang
poster:MissThang
thread:1038126
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/alter/20120530/msgs/1038126.html