Posted by Solstice on January 5, 2011, at 13:52:48
In reply to I don't think I like a peer moderated forum, posted by Dinah on January 5, 2011, at 10:33:27
Dinah -
I am so sorry about my post inadvertently playing a role in brushing against something that is the source of great pain for you.
I have areas of trauma within me that at this point, don't disrupt very often. As the spaces between events have gotten longer and longer, I've at times thought that maybe they've gotten less sensitive. In some ways they have, but I DO get caught off guard by how quickly and deeply some things will affect me. I've described it in the past to others as being like being a burn victim with extraordinarily sensitive and damaged tissue.. and someone comes by and touches it softly, or even just breathes on it, and because of the extraordinary pain underneath that damaged tissue, I react as if a hot, searing iron has been slammed into me. What's been so tricky about dealing with it is this:
1. I didn't' deserve the trauma that created the injuries in the first place
2. In some ways, I think anyone coming near me should just 'know' that they are near all that damaged tissue (it's clear to me - how come they can't 'see' it? Are they blind? Do they just not care?). So I think they should make sure they don't touch it or even breathe on it.
3. In other ways, I really do know that it's unreasonable to think that my painful tissue damage is visible to others. So maybe it is not even logical for me to think others can be careful around that stuff.So how do I deal with THAT? It's a never-ending struggle. I have had a great deal of trouble knowing how to protect myself.. how to protect my injuries without isolating myself from caring relationships. My therapy has helped a LOT. What I've noticed, is that some areas of sensitivity have become much less sensitive - primarily because of my therapeutic experiences with rupture & repair. It was fairly recently that I related an IRL experience to my therapist, and I didn't even realize how big of a deal it was until my therapist pointed it out! My trauma is rooted in authority figure perpetrators. Without going into the blow-by-blow detail, this IRL authority figure experience had all the dynamics that maybe even a year ago would have sent me into a tailspin and collapse. After telling my story, T went through every detail of it pointing out at each and every turn how I negotiated that thing with startling skill and competence that led to an extremely gratifying result. And I hadn't even noticed it. At the core of my response in that situation was that my defenses were not at all triggered by a series of things that a year ago would have triggered a catastrophic reaction in me that would have ultimately been self-destructive.
So T asks: "So Solstice, what prevented your defenses from being triggered?" I remember it being like a slow-motion rush of recognition that was thrilling to put words to as I said "I don't think I knew any other way to respond!" T looks at me with curiosity and says "What do you mean?" As I continued to talk about it, I told T that during the last three years, as I've holed myself up in a cave of therapy where I was mortally afraid of putting myself at risk outside of that cave, over and over and over again I experienced multiple times where I challenged T - without even once encountering a defensive response. At times, my T got pretty frustrated with my reluctance/refusal to leave my 'cave.' T worried about it creating over-dependence, etc. But what I realized when we discussed that whole thing, is that as a result of my experience over a three-year period of time of gradually experimenting with ever-increasing levels of stressors on the interpersonal dynamic of me the 'small' patient coping with T, the powerful authority figure... bit by bit I increased the pressure on the relationship without ever encountering defensive/UN-therapeutic responses. It's like it filled up the memory card with new data. So in an IRL event of great stress, immersed in a sea of things that would have been huge defense-triggers, I responded to it without a single defense being triggered. No anxiety to swallow up my competence. It was like I just automatically responded from the only way I now knew to respond. The trauma that had plagued me for so long had been starved - and a healthier 'me' was directing me. And it was based on the imprinting of my therapist's non-defensive responses to me over a long period of time - even when my unsophisticated way of communicating would have merited a defensive reaction from T.
Anyway, my point in all this, Dinah.. is that I know what it's like to have trauma triggered. And I wish I had not played a role in calling up painful things for you. It would be arrogant of me to think that just because I've had some recent successes that I am somehow out-of-the-woods. I know better. So please don't think I see myself as 'cured' and you as 'not cured.' I don't. But I do think that our being triggered and re-experiencing painful trauma can interfere with our being able to see our strength. You've got lotsa strength Dinah - and if you can't believe in your ability to weather this situation, then I will believe it for you. Your staying may not be about you needing babble, but I believe something deep inside you won't let you leave because you care an awful lot about the well-being of the community. I would sure feel a lot of loss if you left.
Solstice
poster:Solstice
thread:975897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20101201/msgs/975924.html