Posted by 10derheart on December 24, 2010, at 1:59:26
In reply to Re: saying the right thing, posted by morgan miller on December 23, 2010, at 23:21:32
It is interesting to check out the civility examples in the FAQ.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Particularly this portion:
"And it tends to be more conducive to harmony to talk about how you feel than what someone else did, for example, to use an I-statement like "I feel put down by what you said" instead of a you-statement like "you're so arrogant". But don't just word the latter as the former, as in "I feel Dr. Bob has gone overboard". :-)"
And the Gold Standard, IMO, is Dinah's post here:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20040112/msgs/320097.html
>>For example, if you say "I feel that I was disrespected," instead of "You were disrespectful", you are not changing the content, just the way the person the message was made for might perceive/receive it.
I think Dr. Bob will agree that your I-statement is fine here. (We'll find out if he posts again, I suppose :-)) I myself tend to go just a bit further to be sure on the civility front, and to see that I'm dealing with my emotional "stuff" and mine alone, and not even partially sounding like I am labeling another or their behavior negatively, or blaming them or it for my reactions.
For example, something like, "I felt hurt/upset/angry/confused/accused by/put down by...." seems the very best way to keep the focus squarely on *yourself* and *your* feelings and not engage in a negative characterization of what the other poster did or you think s/he "is" e.g., "disrespectful." Your I-statement is, I definitely agree, far better than the you-statement, but can still be read as, "I feel that I was disrespected (by you)," since the words in parentheses are unspoken (unwritten, here) but plainly implied. So it's pretty easy to 'hear': "You disrespected me," even when the sentence begins with, "I feel..." "I feel" does *not* really place the focus on you if it's immediately followed by naming the other person and what they did (to you).
Now this is not Dr. Bob's policy and he does not require it, but I also try to stick to use of words that actually name a feeling I had when reacting to the post. It's safer for me. So technically "disrespected" or even "accused" are not feelings in the strictest sense, where "hurt" and "angry" are feelings. Works really well for me that way
Hope I'm not hopelessly muddying the waters. If so, please disregard all I wrote and read Dinah's linked post. It really says it all.
MDD (presently in complete remission); ADD-Inattentive type; mild anxiety (not fomally dx'd)
Meds: Strattera 80 mg q day
poster:10derheart
thread:973963
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20101201/msgs/974484.html