Posted by Dinah on July 2, 2009, at 7:25:52
In reply to Re: block avoidance, posted by Dr. Bob on July 2, 2009, at 2:19:12
> > To be clear, I didn't mean afraid of getting into trouble with administration. There are other ways of being hurt on Babble than by Admin.
>
> Oh, like the poster you encourage might not appreciate it? That's true. What do you do if you're worried about what might happen to a friend in your "real" life and you don't think they'd appreciate what you'd like to suggest?You'd have to be a lot more specific. But in general I'm careful about it even with big things. If I think my friend will be open to my opinions, I'd likely give them. But if they don't seem open, I'd likely refrain. I wouldn't lie, if asked. But that's not likely to be an issue in what you're discussing. It's a rare person that I feel entirely free to tell exactly what I think in all circumstances. My husband perhaps. My therapist definitely. And you I'm sure. But with the last two at least, the type of relationship is different so is governed internally by different rules. So.... I'd say in general it's not that much different than here.
>
> > Our power with any other person is limited. It's not just you. ... We can encourage other posters, just as we encourage you, but to hope overmuch in being successful is to open ourselves to pain and frustration.
>
> I agree. Trying to change my behavior has certainly led to some pain and frustration! But I thought posters were in general pretty open to input from other posters?
>
> BobWell, that hasn't been my experience. Not unless we were particular friends. It would depend on the type of relationship we have. And even then there are limits.
Which is not to say that posters haven't gently let me know when they I was reacting in a way that wasn't in my best interests or interpreting things incorrectly or personalizing something that wasn't personal. In terms of what was in my best interests, or with concern or humor. I've certainly benefited from and appreciated those efforts, because they clearly came from affection and caring. And of course I always think civility buddies are a great idea.
But the ability to influence other posters is not as great as I think you think it is, at least not in my experience. And it depends a *lot* on personal relationship and on context. That's what I meant by it being useful to pragmatically discuss the realities of limited power.
But perhaps others have had a different experience of the effort. That's just me. I hope others will share their experiences and thoughts with you.
Pure hypotheticals would seem to me to be a good way to explore the idea without people feeling as angry if they might if you explore it as things actually come up. If you post a hypothetical, and ask how people thought they could support a friend in the way you suggest, and then maybe suggest something yourself and hear people's reactions, it might be more abstract and less emotional? Have you the time to put one or two out there?
poster:Dinah
thread:900430
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20090529/msgs/904453.html