Posted by Estella on July 29, 2006, at 11:15:32
In reply to Re: unblocked, posted by Estella on July 29, 2006, at 0:05:05
ack.
see what happens when i post...
i don't like person i've become on boards. trauma focused. hurting.
sure i get that in my daily life...
but how much is the answer to indulge it and embrace it and how much is the answer to participate in the real world.
i'm addicted to the internet. more in particular to posting boards. even more in particular to here. i took an online test... surprise i'm only just within the range of 'may have a problem'. given that it was self report and i was brutally honest... i'm a little surprised i scored so low. but then i realised i don't need to take a test to see. just my worrying enough to find the test somewhat amusing (and worth taking)... well my answer is in there really.
i don't like the person i've become.
i guess it is hard. when does punishment become abuse? depends on how it affects the individual. when is a block abuse? depends on how it affects the individual. how to standardise that? you can't, basically. a one week block for one might not matter very much if they don't post weekly. a one week block for someone who posts a few posts every single day, on the other hand. a person who doesn't really have IRL supports partly because that person avoids them in order to spend time with people online...
i need to move on.
there are great people here...
but i need to do some goddamn work. i don't need to fall into a depression and crying jags 'cause i've been blocked... i don't need to be spending weeks of my time trying to figure why i've been blocked. i need to do some goddamn work and i need to make the most of IRL opportunities. do some mindfulness meditation, stop smoking, exchange coke for water, f*ck... i can't belive how much i've used this place (and others when this was unavailable) because... i'm afraid of IRL.
but hiding from it...
isn't helping me long term.
going round and round these f*cking circles...
know what?
i don't care anymore.
shame i can't block myself...
i don't want to be here
and posting in a moment of weakness...
only means i've got another thing to beat myself up over.
poster:Estella
thread:652594
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20060622/msgs/671747.html