Posted by alexandra_k on October 17, 2005, at 0:09:38
In reply to Re: you are not your grammer » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on October 16, 2005, at 23:39:04
> But there is a limit to how well that will work.
Agreed.
> Someone who I know doesn't mean me any harm says something about my choice in clothing, and my immediate response is hurt or shame.
Okay.
> I can talk to myself rationally about my response until I'm blue in the face.Though of course 'arguing' with emotional responses is typically counter-productive. They need to be validated or acknowledged. Then one is able to consider *why* one responsed the way one did
(ie - is one responding to the situation or is one responding more to hurts in the past?)
> I may be able to talk myself out of it, and that's great.I'm not so sure... How much the CBT rationalising strategy actually works. I have to say... I haven't found much benefit to it myself.
But if you think about whether your distress is a response to the present or the past. to the event or to your interpretation of the event (what the event is *telling* you) then... if you see that its not an intense response TO THE EVENT. rather... its an intense response to something else (which is most probably JUSTIFIED with respect to wherever it came from)... Then... One typically doesn't feel so distressed about the event anymore.> But it may be equally unproductive to try to convince myself that I shouldn't feel what I actually do feel.
Absolutely counter-productive.
You *do* feel what you feel.
You are allowed to feel however you want
(though may not be free to express all feelings on these boards...)
but... some states are more preferable than others.
if you are distressed...
you might find it more preferable to not be *so very* distressed.
and if this is so...
then there are things you can do...
(even if you don't want to change it...)
there are still things you can do...because we do have some degree of control over our emotional responses. especially... the debilitating variety. it is just that it can be hard to see how at times...
> A personal example is that someone I know feels friendly toward me once exclaimed without thinking "Hey! You used to be pretty!" I know she meant no harm. I talked myself into a way of thinking about her comment, and it's now in my lexicon of things to say in certain situations. I find it amusing, and very expressive. But I also retain vestiges of hurt about it. Based on the fact that it was an extremely accurate statement.Your vestiges of hurt remain because you interpret the statement as being 'an extremely accurate statement'. Which means you take it as fact that you are not pretty any more. And then if we add in the point that our society / culture / significant other people in our life / parents / whoever / ourselves... value prettiness.... Yeah. I can understand why it may be hurtful to remember someone saying 'hey you used to be pretty'.
But is it true that you aren't pretty?
(I remember someone saying from the Babble party that they thought you were in fact pretty)
How valuable is prettiness anyway?I imagine it would be thinking along these lines that would enable one to remove the vestiges of hurt, or at least not feel so upset by them. If they there isn't much hurt there anymore it may not matter... But this is the sort of thing we do have the power to do. And I find this process... Helpful.
> "*Perhaps* you could look at it this way, and that might cause you less pain." Adding the perhaps and making it a suggestion is a lot different than saying flatly that you don't have to respond the way you responded.Well... They are different parts to the same thing. The reason why you don't have to respond the way you responded is because there are alternative ways of looking at it.
People are free to choose what they want.
Sometimes...
I cry in my room for hours.
I think about a lot of stuff...
About my childhood etc.I think that mostly...
The grief / pain is good for me
cathartic
I think I'm processing it a little...
But when I've had enough of that...
I have some freedom
If only I can find
Another way to look at it.I find it to be liberating.
I'm not such a slave to my emotions
I'm not such a slave to what other people sayOf course... This is much easier for me at some times than it is at others...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:567813
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20051013/msgs/567995.html