Posted by alexandra_k on July 9, 2005, at 19:17:37
In reply to Re: Seriousness of death, posted by Deneb on July 9, 2005, at 17:24:49
Ok, so I didn't see anything wrong with what I said... But I've been thinking about it since Crushed posted, and I see how it could be taken the wrong way.
>>> ODs are a bad idea because they can lead to injury or death. So do not OD.
>> Your message totally took me by surprise. Sympathetic system overdrive after reading it.
>> It scared me.
>Why? Didn't you know that already?
>>Don't worry for me people, I'm still a little too fat to die. I don't want to be a fat corpse. I want to lose 15 pounds first.
>Why? Are you worried about not looking glam enough in your coffin?See, here I'm a bit boggled. Sounds rather like joking about death.
>When I read these comments I feel really sick >way down deep inside me.
>Some people have gone through hell because >someone close to them has killed themself.
>But you play around with the idea.
>And I think... I think that disrespects them.Because you play around with the idea and joke about it. And an additional reason why I find it disrespecful is:
>Because it isn't about death anyway. You have >admitted that before. It isn't about death >anyway.
And that is the bit I really need to clarify. Because I think you are interested in the idea that people who are serious about suicide succeed. And people who aren't serious, who want attention or whatever don't succeed. Or, at the very least, they try something with a higher liklihood of success.
But what is this really about?
You want the pain and horrible feelings to stop.
And then a lot of stuff comes up... A lot of stuff... About how bad things feel to you, and about other people knowing how bad things are. And other people don't seem to believe you or care or do anything to stop you feeling bad and so hurting yourself is a way of showing people just how bad things are. And of course suicide is the ultimate gesture that things are not okay.>And I really shouldn't post to you about this >stuff when you are in this kind of place because >I feel sick and I feel mad with you because of >where I have been in my life.
>It is painful for me to walk.
>Every f*cking day.
>Because I was messing around with this sh*t.
>And its hard because I remember the feeling of >not caring whether I lived or died.
>And I do get that.
>But...I used to have a morbid pre-occupation too. I'd think about it an awful lot. And think about different ways. And think about which of those different ways I thought I could do. And try to balance what I thought I could do with the ways that have a greater liklihood of success. And I'd joke about it a great deal too. And want to hear all about it.
And something felt a bit good there. Like I had an option and if worst came to worst there was something I could do. And thats the horrible bit. Because it can seem wonderful now because it can seem like a legitimate option - but you won't really do anything and it helps you feel a bit better so really there is no harm in it.
But then when things get bad it starts to look like the ONLY option and that is f*cking terrifying.
And so it is hard. Because there is something fascinating about it. And there is something that helps in thinking about it.
But it is a short term short sighted gain that can really kick you in the guts when things turn to sh*t.
And you really need to focus on how to keep yourself safe and how to get yourself out of this and how to get yourself better. Not just to circle round this all the time.
>I don't want to hear about it anymore.
>Sorry Jenny, but I can't help you when you are >in this kind of mood.
>And for myself I need to keep myself safe.And that is what it comes down to really. That what you say rings too close to home to me. Because I work damned hard to not dwell on those thoughts and to not get involved in conversations where people are glorifying death and joking about it.
And I don't want to risk going back there again.
I don't want to risk getting sucked back there.
And that is why I never made friends with anyone in DBT
And that is why I won't be posting to you with regards to this stuff anymore
Because I'm not that strong.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:525223
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20050628/msgs/525549.html