Posted by linkadge on December 4, 2019, at 18:49:24
In reply to Re: Classifying manias, posted by undopaminergic on December 3, 2019, at 12:22:08
I am still unsure as to whether I have ADHD, bipolar or simply unipolar depression. I have taken meds for all three and USUALLY antidepressants keep me the most well.
My depressions involve undersleeping (not by choice), lots of anxiety and pessimism. I always feel pessimistic about the future. ALWAYS. There is always something wrong. This doesn't fit bipolar exactly as there are usually periods of extreme optimism about the future.
That being said, I have some behavior characteristics that don't really match unipolar. I go through periods where I can be fast and fierce in arguments (I prefer to call it 'debating'). I go through periods where I can be 'witty' (joke wise) and people tell me I should do stand up comedy. I am a good actor. I can convince everybody that I am capable and confident. Nothing is further from the truth. If you asked people about me, they'd say I have it together. There are times where I am (seemingly) much faster than those around me at gathering and articulating ideas. But (when depressed) I go through periods where I simply can't speak (finding words is like climbing mount Everest). I also have periods of extreme irritability (not in public), but I will swear (hours on end - not around others), sometimes throw things etc (again never direct towards people). I.e. I get extremely pissed off at times, but I can control it and have never had it interfere with my work.
Again, I don't really know what's going on. I drink coffee (which could perhaps be masking the depression and turning it into a anxious energy).
But again, throughout all the different 'states' (whether it be bipolar or mood lability) I am hopeless about my future. Perhaps some of the mood lability is a response to this core belief, or perhaps it somehow contributes to my life decisions and hence hopelessness.
I have turned down so many job opportunities because I feel I couldn't handle the stress with them. Every time I do this, I just feel more depressed and hopeless.
Again, I simply don't fit into one category or another. I've done all mood stabilizers (i.e. therapeutic dose of lithium or divalproex, olanzapine etc) and my life just becomes more meaningless.
Linkadge
poster:linkadge
thread:1106962
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20191019/msgs/1107010.html