Posted by Chris O on November 15, 2014, at 14:50:04
In reply to Re: rTMS after two weeks--Meh. Wish it weren't so. » Chris O, posted by Hugh on November 15, 2014, at 11:59:21
Hugh:
Thanks for checking in. I think we talked a bit before when I was on Brintellix earlier this year. Hope you are doing well.
Right vs. left: That's a good question. I just met with my psychiatrist yesterday. It sounds like he is open to trying anything, but he was leaning toward keeping the magnet on the left side to "finish out the protocol." (I have had 14 treatments so far. I think "the protocol" is 30-40 in most of the trials.) But I almost felt like he was leaving it up to me on some level. I have no idea what to do, really.
I think there is some benefit to what is happening on the left side, but it is not nearly strong enough, and it's not removing this layer of anxiety that coats my world in a dim shade of fear (even though most people around me do not seem to notice this). I am not able to work and still do not sleep for more than (it seems) 1-2 hours at a time, even with my CPAP machine.
I am also having some issues with the young woman who operates the rTMS machine. Because she is "treating" me, I am trying to be honest with her about the level of dysfunction my anxiety symptoms cause me. Yet, she seems ... I don't want to say irritated... but not completely empathetic to how negatively my anxiety impacts my life. It seems to irritate her, like she thinks I am "faking it" or something, like I am getting a free ride by not working and that my complaints are all whining. She also seems irritated when I pretend my anxiety isn't there and try to relate as best I can as "normal." There is probably some projection going on here, as I often do this with women. (I am thinking inside she thinks I am a "loser" and don't really have anything wrong with me and am leeching off my wife, which is the way I perceive myself, but even if she did feel that way, I want to be able to say "So what?" inside and move on, but I can't. If I were anxiety free, I could.)
It also bothers me that my psychiatrist basically passed me off to another person who I have to be intimate with about my issues, but who seems not to get them. Obviously, the psychiatrist cannot manage the 20 or so patients doing the treatment, but ... the whole thing bugs me. (I wrote a long tirade about this, but just deleted it. It doesn't matter, in the end.)
Anyway, right now, not super hopeful about this treatment for me. I'm slightly less overwhelmed by everything, notice myself talking to people more, but still feel quite out of it everyday, like I have to force myself to do everything, including getting dressed and getting out of bed. We shall see.
Chris
poster:Chris O
thread:1073437
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20141017/msgs/1073484.html