Posted by johnLA on August 31, 2014, at 9:42:36
In reply to Re: deep tms days 8 and 9, posted by johnLA on August 20, 2014, at 2:09:53
well, i have completed 4 weeks of deep tms. yay!
i made it to 18 out of 20 sessions. missed 2 days because i just couldn't move my butt.
i am not cured that is for sure. and, to be honest, i was hoping for more of a response by this point.
the good;
1. moving more. i have literally been almost stuck to my bed for 4 years now. i can't decide if it is laziness, boredom, or depression. i think it is all 3. i was always a bedroom guy. lol but, as i mentioned previously, never like this. still, i have to look at the past 4 weeks and there has been improvement.
i need to give myself credit for getting someplace 90% of the time. this is new. can't forget that.
went to the beach finally a few times. even swam and caught waves for close to 1 hour straight 1 day. i got out of the water and looked at how 'pruned-up' my finger-tips were. many years since that has happened.
doing a bit more socially. still mostly at night. can't seem to like that sun again. i think i mentioned that i was always indoors during the height of the daylight. i am comfy in dark spaces. teaching film history was perfect. :) i always enjoyed the late afternoon sun. still, going to treatment in the middle of the day is like who turned on the stadium lights? not sure if i am agoraphobic. a little stress getting out of the house. i think it is more just i am a creature of habit.
2. music comes and goes. sometimes i can really feel a song. other times i have to turn the music off. often a song will take to me to a sad or regretful place, so i just turn it off. sigh. silence is good/bad.
3. personal hygiene. better, but not showering every day. seems like every 2 or 3 days now. at my worst i was going a week or so w/out showering. good gawd. shaving too comes and goes. i never did shave everyday. still, sometimes i let my beard go for a week. just not my look. a few days looks good actually. he-he.
4. weight. have lost some more since stopping the remeron. not exercising like i had hoped to. i did get a new gym bag! that should arrive soon. my gorgeous gym is just waiting down the road for me to go break a sweat or even start gentle with swimming. still, i think i've lost about 10 pounds. i am about 10 pounds over my regular weight still. diet has been good/bad. been drinking/sipping some high quality fish oil. seems to help my digestion. though i never had a problem there.
the bad;
1. as i said i was hoping for more of a response. the doctor said i will do an 'index' of 30 to 40 treatments before we start tapering. hmmm. she also highly suggested talk therapy. tired of talking about my crap. she mentioned that when people come-out of a depression that they often need help 'grieving' loss. like my career, lost time, what do i do now?, etc. i'd be more willing to do talk therapy again if i felt like i was coming-out of my depression. again, she keeps telling me mood is the last to improve. and, that my scores have dropped a lot on the depression intake. just doesn't feel like it.
2. sleep hygiene. just horrendous. i really wonder if the klonopin has messed me up there? or, the lack of a schedule is causing it? it is daunting not to have to be any place at a given time. this is behavioral i'm thinking. but, i have no motivation to 'do' something. except clean the house and get something to eat. the nightmares will not let up. worse when i use remeron on occasion. really would like to try and get off that klonopin. i never even used to remember my dreams before depression.
3. what happens when we get to 40 treatments and still no response? she is mentioning lamictal. i will see my regular doc next week. i will ask him about that. he has tried more 'activating' meds on me. most have done nothing or made me feel very anxious or out of it. argh. i have not tried a mood stabilizer. we haven't talked why she is recommending it. isn't that more for bipolar 1 and 2? i have been told by a psych doc friend that mood stabilizers can make a depressed person more 'social.' maybe that is what she is thinking. i will need to ask her about why she is suggesting lamictal.
if anybody has anything to say about lamictal, besides the rash, please let me know. i am curious what it might be able to do for me.
so, that is it for now. really wish i had a more positive report.
still wishing and hoping and praying for something magical...
poster:johnLA
thread:1069147
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20140815/msgs/1070556.html