Posted by b2chica on July 27, 2013, at 20:20:06
In reply to Re: any help at all?, posted by polarbear206 on July 27, 2013, at 17:18:28
the weird thing is that right now i feel (in a weird way) good. i'm very aggitated that i want to hurt myself but refuse my voice. I want to be impulsive and JUST DO IT. but i am refusing. i'm not doing it. i just took a klonipin, but remembered i wasn't supposed to take that one anymore. i just want these urges to stop. and now i just want to take a dozed of my xanax.
Man why do i have these URGES!! this energy of wanting to do it. i dont understand.
but like i said i in a sense, feel rather good but have and angered energy, and it is telling me i NEED to do something. but i dont know what.i dont feel sad, in a sense. i think i do but i also have this really negative energy that hates. that wants to harm, like a teenager that just 'wants to do what they want to do and to hell with the consequences!
in fact i think the only thing stopping me ARE the consequences. I used to work in rehab and i've seen many 'failed' attempts.the thing with this disease is that no matter HOW much your mind wants to die, your body naturally fights to survive. (regardless of how much of you survives)
i just had to get away and write to you guys. Tell someone how im feeling. honestly i just want to dope up and go to bed.
its just after 8:00 so if i can make it another hour without doing something stupid, i can just load up and hit the bed.and wait and wait for one last script. pray that it works.
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i still haven't heard from the guy that wanted to hire me. the hire date was listed as yesterday. :(
so i think at this point i'm expecting a lovely email next week saying sorry i wasn't chosen.
and then i'm fu8ked. then i have nothing. i'll become stupid, and TOTALLY worthless. sucking money from my DH just like he says anyway. before i could fight that because i worked too and my money went to my dr appts and medications. but now that i useless ... have nothing.i cant even be a mother right now. i want to separate myself from them because i dont want them to pick up on my feelings. plus i dont know how to talk to them. i want to just curl up under covers and stay there.
i have nothing.
i am nothing.
my DH is right. i do nothing, i dont contribute, i have no money now, i'm useless, and i do nothing but suck ALL the money from DH and waste it on my doctors. he says i'm addicted to all these things.
maybe when my ins runs out and my meds run out i'll just go off them all....
thats what i deserve.
then i can truly shrivel up and die.b2c
"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."
Theodore Roethke
poster:b2chica
thread:1047788
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20130706/msgs/1047896.html